My $11,000,000 Book: Excerpts From Chapter 2

(noon. – promoted by ek hornbeck)

(I’m so very pleased and also proud to continue bringin’ ya some excerpts from my soon-to-be released book there.  In addition to publishing these excerpts, I’ve been helpin’ Todd build a trophy case for my inevitable Nobel Prize for literature.  Hey, if Obama won it for peace I can win it for literature, right?  Also we’re makin’ the trophy case extra big in case a Pulitzer or Peabody should come my way. If you haven’t read Excerpts from Chapter One, go and read it this instant!  If ya haven’t read Chapter One first, Chapter Two will just seem like a bunch of nonsensical gibberish.  I mean, gosh, ya wouldn’t start watchin’ a hockey game in the second period, would ya?  Then again, based on the ratings nobody is watchin’ the first or third periods of hockey games either…(sigh)…remind me to make hockey game viewership mandatory when I get to be President. So let’s get the ball rollin’ with Chapter Two, a behind-the-scenes look at my meteoric rise in Alaska politics, takin’ on the ol’ establishment there like a pit bull wearin’ lipstick . . .)

Chapter Two:  A Political Superstar is Born

I’m often asked how I got started in politics.  My story is typical of many patriotic political leaders throughout history.  I was strollin’ through the library one day lookin’ for books to ban, and sure as heck I found a children’s book called Daddy’s Roommate sittin’ right on the ol’ shelf there next to Charlotte’s Web.  I’ll give ya three guesses what Daddy’s Roommate is about.  It astounded me that the gays had that much nerve to be infiltratin’ our precious American libraries with their filthy message of acceptance and understanding.  Well, I vowed that very day to become governor of our great state (but then probably quit before my term was up).

Ya gotta start small though, and the smallest thing available was runnin’ for Wasilla City Council.  I crushed some good old boy politics-as-usual socialist Washington insider and ascended to my throne on the city council in 1992.  In my famous mavericky style I stood up for the downtrodden drunks and wife-beaters of Wasilla by opposin’ a measure to make bars close at 2:00 AM instead of 5:00 AM.  Real Americans need to get government off their backs from all the taxes and regulations and such.  Did ya ever try takin’ a drunken swing at your wife with something heavy on your back?  I was very proud to stand up for freedom that day.

(The local theater/Arctic Cat dealer in Wasilla showin’ me their support!)

My time on the city council was good training to be Vice President, but as I walked out of those council meetings in city hall, past the mayor’s cubicle, I began to dream of higher office.  So I ran for mayor in 1996 rather than finish my term on the city council.  It was lots of fun gainin’ vital executive experience as mayor — firin’ librarians and cops, packin’ the city council with cronies, hidin’ from the local liberal media elites — and I was so good at it that it seemed unfair to the rest of Alaska that I was limited to runnin’ Wasilla.

Runnin’ a whole state sounded kinda fun so I ran for governor in 2006.  I started by shakin’ up the whole Republican establishment by winning the Republican primary against the incumbent governor, Frank Murkowski.  Oh sure, everybody said “ya can’t do that, Sarah Barbie, because it ain’t politics-as-usual,” but the hicks just eat it up when I do that stuff.  It takes a savvy political mind to tell people what to care about, no matter how pointless and trivial the issue (see:  liberals takin’ God off of our coins).  But I’ve been savvyin’ my whole life, and the governor’s race was a breeze, and so on December 4, 2006 I was sworn in as America’s Hottest Governor (a title formerly held by Rick Perry).  

What an exciting half a term I had as governor!  It was chock-full of patriotic accomplishments, that’s for darn sure.  For example, I built an access road to the Bridge To Nowhere that I opposed, put my private jet on eBay (without actually sellin’ it), and unleashed the helicopters to help our downtrodden hunters wipe out the wolf population.  No wonder I had an approval rating of 112%!  Also it was becomin’ obvious that with so many accomplishments it was gonna be hard findin’ anything else to fix during a four-year term here in Alaska.  I let it slip that I might be available to save the country (if I was dressed properly) and that I was ready to take my record of wolf-killin’ across the country.  But we’ll get more into that later.      

Unfortunately my years as governor were not all pork-barrel cash and bullet-ridden wolf carcasses.  It was during this time that Levi Johnston entered our lives.  At first I thought he was rather charming, even a bit of a rogue, and he seemed to fit in well with our family.  But as time wore on I started noticing little things that bugged me, like leavin’ the toilet seat up or screwin’ my daughter.  And ya can’t believe a word he says.  He used to tell me he was on his way out to go to church, but I found out later he was sneakin’ into the zoo to beat up the penguins.  So on the off chance Levi appears on a TV show or in a magazine, take it from me that you should completely ignore him and everything he says.  If something important happens in our lives I’ll be sure to Twitter ya about it, and that’s the only reliable source you should check.  

Another chapter comes to a close!  And none too soon, since I’m far too humble to drone on and on and on and on about my many accomplishments.  As you can see though, the ol’ stage is bein’ set there for even more chapters, containin’ the very words that have been arranged in such a way that moves patriotic hard-workin’ folks to pay for the privilege of readin’ ’em, and to share in a very small way the joy that I feel when I’m cashin’ some very big checks from Harper-Collins.    

(Stay tuned for excerpts from Chapter Three — thrilling tales from the 2008 campaign trail with Joe the Plumber!)