December 2009 archive

Something a little more creative than “Caption This Essay” which was the best that I could think up would be good.

If you’re any good at thinking up the best the you can think up please do your best to think of the best title you can think up, and leave it in a comment below if you want ponies. Ponies are good, so I’m told.

Rec’s are even better.

There is no prize, btw. Except just ponies that you’ll get a huge ego boost from and get to walk around feeling deservedly smug and superior for awhile.

There are no rules either.

And that’s only rule number 1. Rule number 2 is you must follow all the rules or the local gang of purity trolls will make your life hell for 5 seconds. So it’s good to follow the rules.

Rule number 3 is that I have no idea what the hell I’m talking about here, and neither do you by now, and if you think you do then you’re probably as delusional as me and you probably really need to read Schizophrenia and You instead of this stupid essay:

Barky Obama He died for our sins

For those who can master it, it’s a fine way to see the world. You get secret messages from the radio, TV, and most movies. You know God personally (so you don’t need Jesus as a go-between). The best ones can maintain their powers despite medication. Did you ever wonder about the existence of ghosts and angels and demons? Somebody had to have seen them, right? Now you know.

It begins for some when the trees start telling you their names. The flowers sing an inane little song like a children’s song that threatens to drone on indefinitely. There is another world, and it may contain well-organized squirrels. That famous karate guy doesn’t exist in the other world. But there’s plenty of paranoia to go around.

Gratuitous Image: And he went ‘WAP!’ with a bat on the head of the baby puppy after it had looked at him with those big adorable eyes.

Just because you think there’s a conspiracy or someone’s out to get you doesn’t mean it’s not true. But there are peculiar psychic fields around hospitals that keep conspirators and murderers out for the most part. The maintenance of this field is the reason you’re not supposed to use cell phones in the wards themselves. Why don’t people figure this out? Because unlike in the movies, murderers and conspirators are stupid.

You would think that the ability to see angels, demons, and ghosts would give you special powers. Well, it doesn’t. You can’t usually talk to them. I prefer the plants. They speak clearly and use small words so the slower ones among us can follow. Unfortunately, most people aren’t even listening.

And that’s the overarching problem of the human condition in 2009 as I see it.

Most people not only aren’t even even listening, but most people weren’t even even listening, and I keep running into this problem where I don’t have any idea (again) what the hell I’m talking about.

And if you think you do then you’re in for a nasty shock, because so far this has been the best part of this title-less essay.

It’s get much worse on the flip.

Let me preface this for all of those who know I am a smoker: I hate that I am addicted. I hate that I love to light one up. It is likely killing me. My Friday night foray into a small Clubhouse Bar made my eyes sting with it. With no ventilation, it sucks. I went and asked the Members to crack the door. I was sitting with non-smokers, not smoking with them. I get it.

This is only common sense. You don’t make a bonfire indoors. Good ventilation should be code.

I make a concerted effort not to let my house reek with it, with plants everywhere, windows cracked in the dead of winter; and smoke outside or away if a non-smoker is present in my home. I get that it smells, I get that it is an irritant when too thick.

It was bad enough, when a month ago, we ended up with fucking BAKING SODA in our cigarettes, a Fire Safety designation that started in California, that spread like, uhhh, wildfire. The extra poison they added to all the OTHER poisons they add to them have made my lungs incredibly worse. They taste horrible.

Tobacco itself isn’t that bad, so why the fuck do they not make it ILLEGAL TO ADD ALL THE CARCINOGENS TO IT in the first place? Why is it legal to make, sell and addict people to it, then make it ILLEGAL to use a product they intentionally made UNHEALTHY?

Instead of regulating back to paper and leaf only, we get this.

So now, they have banned smoking in any public place, any place that employs even one person, including private clubs, including inside trucks used as employment, including outdoor extensions of any such businesses.

People here are PISSED, and this is not the land of tofu and sprouts, this is the land of raw meat and whiskey… hard assed factory rats that don’t abide being told what to do. Think Clint Eastwood in “Gran Torino.”

“Get off my lawn!”