Obama declares national state of emergency due to mounting national emergencies.

At today’s White House press conference, Robert Gibbs told reporters that, “In addition to renewing the two national states of emergency executed by President Bush nearly a decade ago with respect to the 9/11 attacks and the war on terrorism, as well as the national state of emergency that has been in place since, oh, the early 50’s, or so, with respect to the existential threat posed by Iran to the United States…”  Gibbs paused, looking around the room of raised eyebrows, asking, “You knew that, right?” as everyone in the room, excepting the correspondents, gave grave sideward glances to each other.  

Gibbs continued, “Oh, and the national emergency due to swine flu, and uh…” Gibbs paused again to look at the laundry list of national states of emergency already in effect or being planned that were listed on the palm of his hand, before continuing, “Look, we’re up to our asses in alligators already, and things only look to get worse: Wall Street bankers gone wild, the mortgage crises, unemployment-fer chris’ sakes, have you seen U6?  Not “our” U6 but the real U6?– a federal deficit ballooning out of control, our inability to pass health care or even fill important cabinet positions, a dead-locked Senate majority, looming state, pension, and personal bankruptcies…the list of crises goes on, and they are multiplying like rabbits O.D.’d on Viagra!  

Enuhweh, rather than declaring national states of emergency individually for each and every crisis that unexpectedly erupts from the last, the President declared an all-subsuming national state of emergency due to the waning of hope and slim likelihood of desirable change amidst these established, persistent, and mounting national emergencies.  The President believes reducing the plethora of insoluble emergencies into a single state of emergency will raise consumer confidence sufficiently to pull us out of our spiraling nosedive into hopelessness and oblivion prior to November.”

Republican Minority Leader John Boehner accused the President of luring voters into a trap of false optimism.  “If Americans want to know the real truth, we Republicans will be glad to take them outside and show them things that will make them cry.”