Olympic Alternatives XIV

You thought I was not serious?

I’m dead serious.  The only way to effect change is through sacrifice (changing your habits) and protest (telling people what you think, publicly).

Plenty of other stuff out on the Hypnotoad.  Just look-

The Hypnotoad.

"Television is a vast wasteland"

Mid-Afternoon Update.

Primetime Update.

Final Update.

This essay covers the two live events today, Men’s Cross Country (50k) and Men’s Hockey Final, as well as the Closing Ceremony and its late night repeat.

It will be updated periodically.

If you want to know what’s already going on I suggest you check my early morning Figure Skating Exhibition Repeats 3 & 4 Edition.

Here’s a list of things (not comprehensive) I think more worthy of your eyeballs than NBC’s Olympic coverage.

Instead of Men’s Cross Country (50k) on NBC

8 and a half hours of Snapped!  Tommyknockers parts 1 & 2.  Adam Sandler and Steve Carell.  Ugh.  Taming of the Shrew wasn’t even so funny when Willy did it.

Brosnan and volcanos, what could possibly go wrong?  The Miagi saga continues.  A little pre-Hilary Swank.

You know, I’m getting almost as sick of Mile as I am of Philadephia.  Fortunately we have Mail to remind us that Tom Hanks doesn’t totally suck.

I’m reliably informed that the very first Poseidon was in fact playing at the very time Titanic struck the iceberg and was so engrossing that most viewers didn’t even notice the hit.

It’s a meta metaphor for The Hypnotoad.

TCM starts up a Hope/Cosby Road marathon.  These pieces are frequently lampooned on Family Guy by Brian and Stewie, but they’re best looked at as following that standard situational comedy formula.  Bing Mania starts with Pennies which is not the far darker Steve Martin version.

I ran across Blessed Assurance aka The Price of Heaven the other day while channel surfing and found it quite interesting, though I didn’t watch all of it.  In addition to Lori Loughlin it also has Cicely Tyson.

I could be working with my brother right now. He’s got a dry-wall business in Compton. Does the inside of office buildings; you know, the metal studs. I could be his partner, said he’d give me that brand new Dodge Ram Charger. You know, the 318 Magnum? The beast? All indoor work, too, lots of AC. I could sleep with my wife every night, fuck her, maybe; take my kids to school every morning. And I’d run his crews, too, probably increase productivity 40 to 50%. Make $100K a year. Do you know why I don’t?

Because I love this job. I thank God for every fucking day he gives me in the corps, oorah.

Instead of Men’s Hockey (Gold) US v. Canada on NBC

Call.  Me.  Snake.

Say goodbye to Ralph, hello Hilary.

Idiocracy is incredibly optimistic.  It’s not going to take anywhere near 20 years, let alone 500.

2 Car Chase Movies, one with Nicholas Cage, one with Vin Diesel (who has an appropriate name).

Third Bing, Second Road.  Fourth in the series it has a couple of onlys- only one cast in the past, only one not to a real place.  Rumor has it that Paramount delayed release so Bing could get the Oscar for his “serious” work in Going My Way.

If you’re expecting to see Jackie Gleason instead of Cedric the Entertainer you’ll be disappointed.

I’m not a Travolta fan, but there was a point in my life when I wondered what it would be like to wear a white suit and go up to single women at a bar and talk to them.  Now I know.

No Fate.

Mike Judge again.  Steve Carell is still not Jim Carrey.  Demi Moore gets tough.

Of the 4 films named Hush, this is the one with Tori Spelling.  I’m sure you’ll find that a tremendous endorsement.

Again too new (2010) to have a wiki page.

Here in the Nutmeg State we have a lot of respect for old P.T. and The Greatest is in fact quite a show.

8 Hours of The Stand.  I’ve never read it or seen it because I’m just not a great admirer of Stephen King’s work, but I guess we can tell now between Langoliers, Tommyknockers, and this which direction SciFi is heading today.

We bring you the circus — that Pied Piper whose magic tunes lead children of all ages, from 6 to 60, into a tinseled and spun-candied world of reckless beauty and mounting laughter; whirling thrills; of rhythm, excitement and grace; of daring, enflaring and dance; of high-stepping horses and high-flying stars.

But behind all this, the circus is a massive machine whose very life depends on discipline, motion and speed …. a mechanized army on wheels that rolls over any obstacle in its path …. that meets calamity again and again, but always comes up smiling …. a place where disaster and tragedy stalk the Big Top, haunt the backyards, and ride the circus rails …. where Death is constantly watching for one frayed rope, one weak link, or one trace of fear.

A fierce, primitive fighting force that smashes relentlessly forward against impossible odds: That is the circus. And this is the story of the biggest of the Big Tops …. and of the men and women who fight to make it — The Greatest Show on Earth!

Instead of Recap and Closing Ceremonies live

I’ll just start by saying I can’t understand how anyone sits through this even once.  It is the most boring piece of crap Television has ever invented outside of Awards Shows and at least those have the element of suspense.

You need me now more than ever.

The question is not whether NBC 2010 Olympic Coverage is in the 25 Biggest TV Blunders, but where it ranks in comparison to The Jay Leno Show.

8 Hours of Criminal Intent.  8 Hours of Criminal Minds.  8 Hours of Prehistoric.  11 Hours of Planet Earth.

Accepted is deeper than it looks.

I don’t dislike League as much as some people do.  I guess it’s because I totally buy into the Victorian Superhero concept.  Our ancestors were just as smart and motivated as we are guys, maybe more.

I miss Johnny La Rue, Macaulay not so much.  Hope you’re getting all the crane shots you want now big guy.

Madea is the sequel to Diary and is another reason why Tyler Perry is famous.

Chariot Races!  Trireme Battles!  11 Oscars!  They don’t make them like that anymore.

Helen Hunt I like.  Michael Crichton not so much.  I do think the whole concept rather silly though.

I’m pretty sure Trap is the Lohan version and not the Mills one, but it’s hard to be sure.

Day may be scientifically credible, but the concept is intuitively contradictory.  I think someone just decided filming solid water was easier than filming liquid OR the dust was blown off a ‘nuclear winter’ script.

More Demi Moore!  More Julie Andrews!  More Will Ferrell vehicles without Will Ferrell in them!  Tyler Perry gets more famous!

I think we should have more plodding derivative movies based on Video Games and long as we can see Angelina Jolie in revealing clothing (pssst… I know the cheat code for naked mode).  Who wants to see a mature Bette Midler, Diane Keaton, or Goldie Hawn?

As always I recommend Venture Brothers, a cartoon about failure.

Instead of Recap and Closing Ceremonies repeat

Well, this is it.  I’m too tired to even offer commentary.  NBC drops coverage at 3:30.  I hope you’ve enjoyed reading these pieces as much as I’ve enjoyed writing them.

Next year in Jerusalem.

This part still under construction, expect updates.

All of them far more worth your eyeballs than NBC and its horrible coverage.

This isn’t even political, except for the lesson in activism.

Am I serious?

Dead serious.

Email- [email protected]

Oh Rose, have something to eat.

Two hundred thousand years in the future he’s dying, and there’s nothing I can do.

Well, like you said, two hundred thousand years, it’s way off!

But it’s not!  It’s now.  That fight is happening right now!  And he’s fighting for us, for the whole planet, and I’m just sitting here eating chips!

Listen to me!  God knows I have hated that man, but right now I love him, and do you know why?  Cause he did the right thing, he sent you back to me!

But what do I do every day, Mum?  What do I do?  Get up, catch the bus, go to work, come back home, eat chips and go to bed, is that it?!

It’s what the rest of us do.

But I can’t!

Why, cause you’re better than us??

NO, I didn’t mean that!  I just…  But it was.  It was a better life!

And I don’t mean all the travelling, and seeing aliens and spaceships and things, that don’t matter.

The Doctor showed me a better way of living your life.  You know, he showed you too!

That you don’t just give up!  You don’t just let things happen!

You make a stand, you say no, you have the guts to do what’s right when everyone else just runs away.

I want to make it very clear that you can use this thread to talk about the Olympics all you like.

I will be watching something else.

And you’re perfectly free to post your own essay, I might even promote it.

But to those who say that it doesn’t matter, that now that NBC has its advertisers ratings mean nothing, you couldn’t be more wrong.  They have guaranteed those advertisers a certain number of eyeballs and if NBC doesn’t make their numbers they have to give their sponsors free advertising until they do.

You have power.  You just have to have the willpower to use it.