President Palin renews and expands enhanced interrogation program

Crossposted at Daily Kos

Jan 30th, 2017

    Just days after being inaugaurated as America’s 45th President, Sarah Palin has announced that her administration will renew the enhanced interrogation programs that began after 9/11.

    “We take very, very seriously the threat that potential terrorists expose upon our freedoms, so I decided that we shouldn’t take any options off the table. Now every police station in the country will be equipped to interrogate the thousands and thousands of terrorists that are hiding in our country. Until we know how many terrorists there really are in America my baby Trig and the rest of America can never be really safe, doncha know. And we can never really know until we start interrogating random Americans, who should have nothing to fear if they aren’t involved with the terrorists. Also, just think of all the new jobs this will create, since we are gonna need a lot of new police officers to deal with all the new terrorists we have to find. Today is a great day for freedom.” President Palin said with a wink towards the cameras.

     Sarah Palin, despite losing the popular vote AND the electoral college vote, won the Presidency after the Supreme Court sided with her campaign team in the now famous FreedomWorks V Electoral College ruling where the Supreme Court found the Electoral College and the 1st, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 13th, 14th and 15th Amendments of the constitution to be unconstitutional and awarded the Presidency to Sarah Palin.

    When asked about the decision and it’s impact on America, Associate Justice Antonin Scalia said “That’s not true.”

    Palin’s Vice President Joe Lieberman held a press conference yesterday with newly appointed White House Press Secretary Glenn Beck to explain how the new program would focus on rooting out fascists, socialists, communists and gay people who pose a threat to America’s moral fabric and purity. The Press Conference consisted of VP Lieberman saying names and Press Secretary Beck announcing whether they were potential terrorists or not.

    Newly appointed Secretary of Homeland Security Michele Bachmann stated that she would like to see the new and broader enhanced interrogation program applied to certain members of congress who might harbor Un-American opinions. “Since the media will not expose the Un-American terrorist sympathizers at work in our government we will have to do it ourselves. It is the only way to keep us safe.”

    When asked about the legality of these new measures President Palin’s Attorney General nominee Jim DeMint stated “Well, of course they are legal. If there was anything illegal about it the Department of Justice would have had a huge investigation into the administration that originally started the program, and any people who had been found to have broken the law would have been held accountable. That is how our system works. Since they did not, we know that nothing is wrong with enhanced interrogation. Besides, why do you care so much abouyt these terrorists? Anyway, if you’ll excuse me I have a meeting with White House Spiritual advisor Douglas Coe.”

    Palin’s Senior Adviser Karl Rove added “If the Bush/Cheney Administration that I was a part of did anything illegal I am certain the Democrat party would have attacked us with it. That’s what I would do. I mean, let’s say something illegal happened under that Administration, only a political idiot wouldn’t attack his opponent with it and use it to their advantage. That is, of course, IF something illegal happened, which clearly it did not.”

    When asked to further elaborate on her new enhanced interrogation program, President Palin asked “What’s a elaborate?” Moments later, her aides whisked her away, and told reporters that any and all questions regarding the new program would be answered on President Palin’s daily newscast at 5pm on Fox News.

    Earlier in the day, President Palin made this statement to the press.

    “After the recent failed wig bombing at LAX Americans are more afraid for their safety than ever. That is why my administration is taking advantage of this situation to make sure that all Americans are totally safe. Totally safety is total freedom, even if it means losing some freedoms to be more safe. Instead of waiting for terror attacks like the wig bombing to happen before acting we will now know in advance, which guarantees the safest, freest, most securist America Americans have ever known. Right now my team of mavericks is working to ensure that every American can be as safe as my baby Trig. And soon we will invade the terrorist nation of New Zealand where the wig bomber came from, and that will make us even safer. Also, it will make markets freer when we privatize and outsource the entire public sector of New Zealand, while brining freedom and spreading liberty to all of the suffering New Zealanders. They should share the American dream just like all of the true patriots from small towns like this that I call the real America. Also, I’d like to remind you that my new book “How to win the Presidency without getting elected” will be out next month, and all of the proceeds go to sustaining capitalism from the attacks of socialists and fascists. You can pre-order it now!

    The new and improved enhanced interrogation program proposed by President Palin will be used on American citizens and foreigners in order to keep America as safe as possible. When reporters asked why the program would be used on American citizens as well, Palin’s Chief of Staff Liz Cheney told reporters to “Go fuck yourselves”. Those reporters were then questioned by the CIA before being placed on an extraordinary rendition flight to Syria.

I write this half as a warning. If Amerca does not hold the Bush/Cheney War Criminals accountable, this bit of satirical prognostication may actually come true. Maybe the names will be different, but the power that the next Administration that chooses to go one step farther than Bush/Cheney will be absolute. The only way to prevent that from happening is by bringing the architechts of the Bush/Cheney torture programs to justice.

Also crossposted at TheProgressiveElectorate.com