(9AM EST – promoted by Nightprowlkitty)
Note: the following questions, for the most part, are taken directly from the spouse DADT survey run by the Defense Department. Most of the time, the wording (PDF) of the questions has not even been changed. However, the author of the ALTERNATIVE SURVEY reserves the right to change the wording of the questions to more accurately reflect their intent.
In addition, some answers have also had their wording changed. For the most part, this is additions to the wording in the official survey.
A final note, since this is, apparently, required: None of this is intended to be actually disrespectful of military spouses or people who have sacrificed EVERYTHING, and more, to serve in the military or be in the military with their spouses, when they don’t actually have to. Rather, the opposite.
Has your spouse ever worked on a daily basis with an individual he or she believed to be a homosexual service member?
A. Yes
B. No
C: I don’t know
D: Worked with? Uh, yeah. And I dig it. And I want to watch.
How well do you know that individual? If more than one individual, please answer thinking about the Service member with whom your spouse worked most recently.
A. Very well.
B. Well.
C. Somewhat well.
D. Not well at all.
E. I answered “D” to the question, above, and I know them very very very well. And more than one individual. At one time. And I know them very very well too. And I took pictures, because, as I said, I like to watch. What is this survey? It’s pretty kinky.
Compared with other Service members in the community, how much did that service member participate in military social activities?
A. More than most other Service members in the community
B. Less than most other Service members in the community
C. About the same as other service members
D. Don’t know
E. Social activities? (laugh) Uh, yeah, mr. questionnaire asker — what are you DENSE?
If Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is repealed, the military will want to prepare and assist spouses in understanding the new policy. How would you like the military to provide you with information on the new policy? MARK ALL THAT APPLY.
A. By carrier pigeon.
B. On the tip of a cruise missile, because that’s how I roll.
C. With a big global”Coming Out” Party — I’ll bring the cucumber salad!
D. With a somber black car coming to my door with a tragic faced young military officer telling me my spouse has teh ghey and there is no cure.
Overall, how do you feel about your spouse’s current military service?
A. Other than him/her getting shot at on a daily basis, I think it’s ok.
B. It is teh suck, and you are asking me about the GAY?!
C. Him/her showering with those homos really puts a damper on our love life.
D. Him/her showering with all those homos makes me feel icky, yet at the same time, curiously intrigued and aroused.
E. Being moved from place to place without notice. He/she was electrocuted by poorly designed facilities made by Halliburton contractors. Mortared. Cornered and pistol whipped by Iraqi insurgents until rescued by friendly troops. Yelled at by foul smelling 22 year olds. Bad food. But, really, the gay is all I’m worried about.
Which one of the following statements best describes your spouse’s current military career intentions?
A. Intends to use the military as a vehicle for conquering the world for The Gay Agenda.
B. Intents to stay, unless some buff soldier dude or gal looks at him or her and says he/she has “nice abs”.
C. He/she is 3 days away from retirement, and a benefit package that would make a civilian cry with jealousy, but will quit anyway if the gay is allowed.
D. He/she is going to hold his/her breath and turn blue if teh ghey is allowed! I’m warning you! I’M WARNING YOU!!!!
Which of the following best describes your preference for your spouse’s military career intentions?
A. Uh. Bad food. Shot at. Pistol whipped by foul smelling insurgents. Friendly fire. Mortared. Yelled at by foul smelling 22 year old. Electrocuted by Halliburton. Need I say more?
B. Our kids really enjoy being moved from place to place on a whim. It’s good for their social upbringing.
C. I love the smell of Gay™ in the morning.
D. Really, the benefits, free health care, and cheap housing are great. But if the Gay™ is allowed, I’ll tell him/her to quit.
What are the most important factors you and your spouse consider when making decisions about his or her future in the military? PLEASE MARK UP TO 3 FACTORS.
A. Spouse’s current pay and benefits
B. Your job status
C. Education benefits (for you, your spouse, and/or your children)
D. Spouse’s retirement benefits
E. Spouse’s years completed toward retirement
F. Current economic situation and civilian job availability, where I would again have to work with the gays.
G. Family separations and stability
H. Medical care
I. Childcare options
J. Deployment-related considerations, including being sent to countries where they hate my spouse and don’t like gays either.
K. Spouse’s ability to serve and defend the country, including defending the country from The Gay, in non-gay places where they eat strange food, speak funny languages and hate my spouse anyway.
L. Spouse’s job satisfaction in getting mortared, shot at, pistol whipped, electrocuted, bad food, and having to serve with same sex people who might look at his or her fine round buttocks with something other than professional interest.
M. Our satisfaction with non-gay military life
M. Our children’s well-being — because here we are safe from them being recruited by the gay, and you don’t want to protect us! Damn you!
N. Living on-base without the gays, because having to live in a world with gay people in it is just too painful.
I. The ability to live in a close knit, non gay military community
Other, please add homophobic diatribe here:
How important a factor would a repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell be to you in making decisions about your spouse’s future in the military?
A. Very important Because I’m from Alabama. You understand.
B. Important. Because I’m from Utah. You understand.
C. Neither important nor unimportant. Cucumber salad?
D. Unimportant. Pistol whipped. Yelled at. Mortared. Bad food. Foul smelling. You understand.
E. Very unimportant. Perhaps if you spent 90 million dollars on things other than these stupid surveys, we might have better health care, better medical care, and might not be electrocuted by Halliburton. You understand.
F. Don’t Know. But what I do know is, I dug under the fence between our base housing and the neighboring base barracks, where two guys live, at 2 in the morning. The sounds that were coming out of there weren’t natural, I tell you.
Would a repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell affect your preference for your spouse’s plans for his or her future in the military?
A. Yes, I would want my spouse to stay longer. We are the kind of people who like social diversity and inclusion. You know, liberal commie pinko bastards.
B. Yes, I would want my spouse to leave earlier — because whatever else I like or don’t like, my hatred of gay people is more important than any of those things.
C. No, it would have no effect on my preference for my spouse’s plans for military service in the future. Cucumber salad?
D. Don’t Know. I really don’t like the idea of a same sex person looking at my spouse’s fine round buttocks with other than professional interest. On the other hand, although it makes me feel icky, I’m also curiously intrigued and/or aroused by this.
Have you ever recommended to a family member or close friend that he or she pursue service in the military?
A. Yes
B. No
Would a repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell affect your willingness to recommend military service to a family member or close friend?
A. Yes, I would be more likely to recommend military service to a family member or close friend, because it would mean that y’all in the military command are not the slack jawed bigoted know nothing false Christianoid freaks I always believed you to be. Until now.
B. Yes, I would be less likely to recommend military service to a family member or close friend because I am all about hating the Gay. It is my life. MY LIFE!
C. No, it would not affect my willingness to recommend military service to a family member or close friend. Cucumber salad?
D. Don’t Know. But what I do know is, you all consume 55% of our entire domestic budget. Maybe you can do better than spending 90 million dollars writing and collating surveys to cater to people’s homophobia. You understand.
What is your preference on where to live?
A. In on-base housing. Because it is the only place we can afford to live, you stingy bastards.
B. In military housing off-base — because we enjoy living among Iraqi insurgents, and that way, we don’t have to live among the gays you plan to bring into our very midst.
C. In civilian housing. You all are freaks and you care about this. Need I say more?
Where do you currently live?
A. In on-base housing. Because it is the only place we can afford to live, you stingy bastards. And we can spy on our neighbors and report them for being gay. We enjoy the power this gives us, because in being treated by you folks like chattel, we have to derive some sense of power over our lives somehow.
B. In military housing off-base. Because we are unafraid of the big world, you stupid putz. But you all are still stingy bastards.
C. In civilian housing. You all are freaks and you care about THIS. Need I say more?
Assuming you had a choice on where to live, what are the most important factors you would consider? PLEASE MARK UP TO 3 FACTORS.
A. Cost of housing. Stingy bastards.
B. Housing condition. Halliburton? Hello?!
C. Amount of space
D. Quality of schools in the area
E. Safety of the community from the Big Gay.
F. Sense of the community in the neighborhood from the Big Gay.
G. Presence of children in the neighborhood
H. Commuting time to your job
I. Proximity to spouse’s job
J. Neighbors that I know and trust. And aren’t gay.
K. The values of the community — and that doesn’t include the Gay.
L. Presence of local businesses
M. Easy access to the exchange, commissary, and MWR facilities
N. Other, please add additional homophobic diatribe here: _________________________________________
Assuming you had a choice on where to live, how important would a repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell be to you in considering where to live?
A. Very important. Because I don’t know how to live amongst people I don’t agree with and don’t understand. It is said they know how to do this in the civilian world, but I am important and special and must be protected from this.
B. Important. Because the military is the only place in the world where I might be protected from those Evil Gay Vampires, and you plan to take this away.
C. Neither important nor unimportant – Cucumber salad?
D. Unimportant. Are you fucking KIDDING ME? You spent 45 million dollars on the first survey and another 45 million dollars for THIS SHIT?!
E. Very unimportant – I like social acceptance and inclusion. Radical. Pinko. Liberial. Commie. You understand.
F. Don’t Know – but what I do know is living next to gay people makes me feel all funny, but at the same time, tingly, inside.
Assume Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is repealed and you live in on-base housing. If a gay or lesbian Service member lived in your neighborhood with their partner, would you stay on-base or would you try to move out?
A. I would stay on-base. Showers. Icky, but strangely tingly feeling.
B. I would try to move out, because spying on and reporting people for being gay was my life, and now my life is over. Or, blackmailing people who might be gay is how I got sex, and now there’s nothing in it for me.
C. Don’t Know.
D. Does not apply, I would not live on-base. You all are freaks, and Iraqi insurgents are more accepting of different kinds of people than the people who wrote this survey.
While living on-base, which of the following would you do?
A. I would make a special effort to get to know the gay or lesbian Service member and partner. Very, very well. Almost too well.
B. I would get to know them like any other neighbor, because this is how people in the real world live.
C. Would generally avoid them when I could — because, if I had to, I would move to Mars to avoid real life with gay people in it.
D. I would do nothing
E. would do something else, please specify choice of torch or pitchfork here: 1. Torch , 2. Pitchfork
F. Don’t Know and who cares?
If you had concerns about the impact of the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, to whom would you likely turn? MARK ALL THAT APPLY.
A. Would not need to talk to someone. Because gay people really aren’t all that trauma inducing, and you survey writers are freaks.
B. My spouse. Because I assumed he or she was heterosexual in marrying me, but I could be wrong.
C. My M-16.
D. Torches and pitchforks. Because they are a match for a 50-cal, in sufficient numbers. Trust me.
E. My chaplain. Because, although he is a bit limp wristed and reedy, he couldn’t possibly be gay too .. could he … OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS ARE EVERYWHERE! AAAAAAAAAAH!
F. Other, please add, in gory detail, whom you would stake to the ground and cover with ants, bungee stick, or gruesomely torture, here: _______________
How would you rate your overall family readiness to handle the challenges of military life?
A. Very ready
B. Ready
C. About an equal mix of feeling ready and unready, except if the gay is introduced into the armed forces. In which I’m unready. Very unready.
D. Unready
E. Very unready. What am I doing here? I was having a nice latte with the nice buzz cut guy and suddenly we all wound up in IRAQ?!
F. Not sure. Cucumber salad?
What is the highest degree or level of school you have completed?
A. 12 years or less of school, but no high school diploma, certificate, or GED
B. Homeschooled and taught that humans lived with dinosaurs, the earth is 6,000 years old, and being gay is a sin.
C. Some college credit, but no degree. Because I am a dropout.
D. Associate’s degree (e.g., AA, AS, ASS) — and this survey is weird. Isn’t the mission of the military to kill the enemy, and spend 90 million dollars dissing other Americans?
E. Bachelor’s degree (e.g., BA, AB, BS) – and what the hell is this for, again?
F. Master’s, professional, or doctorate degree (e.g., MA, MS, MD, JD, DVM, DDS, PhD) — and you all are freaks.
As the last question in the survey, we’d like you to tell us about any other religious imprecations or homophobic diatribes you have – positive, negative, or neutral – about the implications on family readiness and support or other aspects of military life if the government decides to repeal the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell law and policy, including conspiracy theories about the plans of gays to destroy the world, bring on God’s wrath, and what you might do in such a situation that a Taliban terrorist would think inventive and cruel. PLEASE PRINT.