What is going on

Do you ever have a desire to write? To express, to say “hey I fucking exist and have thoughts and ideas!” and then experience some sort of cyber-validation for said thoughts and ideas?  Do you also wonder why, why do we need this?  What is it about an anonymous post that makes us feel validated?  It it that someone cares, or at least pretends to?  Or is it that we can evoke emotions, thoughts, reactions from someone else?

Long ago, in a place far far away, a place where buhdy first introduced the concept of ponies, I rediscovered the joy of writing.  Never made the wreck list, but didn’t care. In fact one of my first diaries was motivated by a diarist who complained because on one particular day he did not make the wreck list, and don’t you know he always made the “list.” My thought was, phht, get over yourself.  But,to be honest, I, on occasion, go back and read what I wrote and still think about 75% of my musings were not all that bad, egocentric I know, but inside I wish that more folks would have read ’em. But more importantly, I cherished the comments, few that they were, the stories, the memories that were recounted because of the words I typed in the “main text” box. I loved the fact that once, one of the comments got like three times the recs my tip jar did, just because the story I told evoked a much better story.  I like that kind of connection.

I originally came here because I wanted something different, I came here when it first arose via the gos. I wanted a place where “There are no rigid restrictions here, it is a salon and a laboratory and a place to create a new reality.” I wanted, I needed an new reality.  And I continue to come to this place to read the thoughts and ruminations of others. I rarely comment, and have one diary to my name – nom de plume that it is – a diary written in a night of pain after a loss.

And in the days that has flowed in the river of time, under the bridge of life since that first day here, I have some questions, questions that I am sure no one can answer to my satisfaction, but that dog me day and night. So many questions…

I have gone through many changes this year.  Maybe that is my problem. But something has changed, and I am struggling to discover what it is.  Is it just me?