A Feminist Creation Story

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Author’s Note:

This is a loving parody, not to be taken too seriously. I myself identify as Feminist, but I wanted to try my hand at satire. It is Friday, after all. Apologies are due to God, Moses, or whomever compiled the original text of Genesis.  

In the beginning, God had a good idea. This idea was brought to life specifically so that all might be more equal and that basic prejudices might be illuminated by light. But at first the idea was formless and empty, full of darkness, though the spirit of good intentions hovered over the proceedings.

And God said, “Let there be Feminism,” and there was Feminism. She saw that it was good and thus she divided the light from the dark. People called the light “progressive” and the dark “delusional”. And then there was the first argument.

God said, “Let there be a means to separate progressive ideas from delusional ones.” So she did that very thing. People called this this divide “Heaven”, and in Heaven, terms like cisgender and Kierarchy were used with great abundance.

Feminists also called this divide “ideological conflict” and “generational differences.” In response, they encouraged more growth and spread of ideas, hoping both would spout from the seeds that they had planted. And that is exactly what happened, eventually.

God made two great lights. One of them wisely governed the others, and one of them actively participated in panel discussions. Feminists put them into the sky so all could see them and take guidance from their existence. And God noted that it was good, because panel discussions are good and pleasing to her.

And then God said, “Let there be women’s studies programs,” and these were swiftly created. These, too, were encouraged to be fruitful and multiply. “Let us make gender studies classes in our own image,” she added. And God saw that those, too, were good.

God said, “I grant to you the power to teach informed consent and speak openly against transphobic attitudes”.

On the seventh day, she rested, though this didn’t stop her from working on the manuscript of her latest book and/or column.

Years earlier, God had formed from the dust of the ground a living being, though it was neither male, nor female, because she had yet to create a gender binary. God created a garden for her creation to live, which she called Berkeley. And in Berkeley, she made all kinds of plants and food sources grow, by environmentally sustainable methods, including the tree of the knowledge of good and bad activism.

God said, “You are free to eat from the fruit of any tree, except for that of the tree of the knowledge of good and bad activism, for if you eat of it, you will surely die.”

She continued, “You do not need to be alone, so I will create a helper for you.” The living being tried to name precisely what it was he/she was looking for in particular, but could not.

So God made him/her fall into a deep sleep, at which point, a rib was removed. A new being was formed, one just as androgynous. This pleased him/her considerably. And being that both were naked and at Berkeley, they felt no shame.

But a serpent decided to tempt this new couple, telling one of them that there was no real harm in eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and bad activism. Doubt thus being placed in the minds of one, he/she took the fruit of the tree and gave it to his/her partner.

The instant both of them ate from the forbidden tree, they quickly recognized that they were naked, and joined one of the fifty protest rallies currently being held to express outrage at police persecution of consensual nudism.

They hid from God, until she made herself plainly visible in front of them. In shame, they were forced to leave Berkeley, and live a life of hardship and great toil.

Amen.