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Republican leaders unveiled a new, multi-step plan that will remake the American economy and turn the country into a capitalism utopia virtually overnight.
“All it takes for this plan to work is for everyone to believe hard enough,” explained Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann. “Otherwise it will be all the fault of the Democrats when it fails.”
The Republican plan for fixing the problem of the long-term unemployed involves relocating them to Glittenwood, the magical land of jobs.
The GOP has contracted out with Halliburton to open a portal to the magical realm of Glittenwood, where waistcoat-wearing animals form lifelong friendships with wise, old trees.
Various Democratic leaders have claimed that the Glittenwood Plan is “unrealistic”, but Republican leaders have effectively countered the criticism by pointing out that Democrats were ugly and smelly.
“Glittenwood is desperately in need of hard-working humans to perform all sorts of highly-paid, hilarious tasks, such as making ACME products for coyotes that want to catch road-runners,” said GOP leader John Boehner, who’s orange tax he attributes to the smiling, Glittenwood sun. “And there is always a need for workers in the floating castle where dreams are made.”
Republicans made a point to assure everyone that the Glittenwood Plan would in no way interfere with Santa’s Christmas products. “Santa’s elves will continue to toil in their workshop as they always have if they know what’s good for them,” said Michelle Bachmann darkly.
“I’ve been out of work for so long that I’m willing to give that annoying fairy-place a try,” said George Jones, a former auto-worker. “I’m not looking forward to tripping over fruit that runs around on human legs, not to mention getting into all sorts of hi-jinks if I accidentally get a ride on the wrong flying carpet, but I guess its better than dealing with reality.”
A Republican spokesman noted that the unemployed wouldn’t be forced to relocate to Glittenwood. Those that refused would have the option of being declared a muslim terrorist by Homeland Security and waterboarded at Gitmo until they confess.
Following the path of Saint Reagan
The Republican Plan for the Economy also includes balancing the budget by cutting taxes for the rich. “Saint Reagan, may he live forever, showed us the path to salvation,” said Congressman John Boehner. “We must cut, cut, and cut again the taxes on the rich. By doing so we will reach balanced budgets, just like Saint Reagan did. There is nothing more that you need to know.”
Some Democrats tried to point out that deficits increased dramatically under Saint Reagan, but Republicans effectively countered that they were socialists and ugly, and then pointed and laughed at them. Several Democrats were also given wedgies.
Republicans also made a point that by not having to pay unemployment benefits, because the unemployed would all be in Glittenwood, that they could afford to spend “bazillions” of dollars on the military so they could finally win the War Against Evil.
“With this new funding we will finally give our brave men and women in the military the resources to defeat Evil no matter what nation of brown-skinned people it might be hiding in,” said Bachmann.
Comprehensive Social Agenda
The Republican plan also includes some radical domestic changes.
“Recently we discovered that everything bad that has happened in history is the fault of liberals,” a Republican spokesman said. “Without liberals there would be no gays, muslims, crime, poverty, or black people. Therefore we’ve decided to outlaw liberals.”
Republican politicians everywhere were in total agreement that all the ills of society would immediately vanish the moment that liberals were outlawed.
Scientists were quick to point out that all those things, including black people, have existed for millions of years. Republicans effectively countered that since the world came into existence on Sunday, 23 October, 4004 B.C. that their so-called “scientific evidence” was “stupid”. Therefore the scientists must also be stupid.
Several scientists were then given wedgies.
The Republicans plan also includes cutting funds from such unpopular programs as: subsidies for the inter-continental railroad, tribute to the Barbary Pirates, and killing the Marshall Plan for Europe.
To raise more revenue, Republicans have suggested selling titles of nobility to various Wall Street tycoons.