( – promoted by buhdydharma )
Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it… Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain…good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape! Well… I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride!!”
AND…..
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you!
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Velly feel good doctor!
that Americans speak english…
this keeping up our bodies as long as possible – our skin, our neck, our waist, our cholesterol, our bloodpressure, our attitude, our spirituality, our financial well-being, our weight, our family, our friendships, our disfuntional empire, our soul, our reading, our viewing, our walking, our running, our walking shoes, our running shoes,
our religious ceremonies, our children’s SAT scores, our cats’ SAT scores, our dietary needs, our vitamins, our cats’ and dogs’ coats, our hair and nails, once again – our necks, our mental health, our sleeping habits, keeping abreast of the proper blogs, our political reading, buying bloodless diamonds, feng shui for our homes,
it is exhausting!
I find that if I lie down for a while the urge passes.
Run out of smack, drink a quart of Jim Beam to alleviate jonesing before buying smack from trigger-happy East-Village pushers, then shoot your way out with a gun that you smuggled through customs by screaming at exactly the moment it went through the scanner, shoot up, top off your high with at least 8 grams of coke, repeat daily for nine sleepless days while recording an album and sexing it up with an indeterminate number of super-models, marry several of them, and then…
Write your autobiography at age 68 with four apparently happy children, three grand-children, 18 platinum albums and $250 million in the bank.
Dick Cheney is single-handedly skewin’ the heart attack statistics for the whole rest of the country!
Just what I needed tonight.
Author
A break once in a while ain’t bad! 🙂
I mean, because of the accent? I love the theory in there, though.