A giant electromagnet hung over him, shaped like a hags huge withered claw to his mind, in the worst moments, constantly sucking at his life force. He could fight against it if he chose, resist, close down as much as possible, trying to retain and defend that which he considered to be his. He had (as have we all) been doing it all of his life after all. Resisting, refusing to surrender, guarding and protecting ‘his self.’
What he considered to be ‘his self’ had felt under attack for his whole life, with schools and teachers, bosses and co-workers, judges and cops, etc. trying to tell HIM what to do and who to be. Once he had finally conquered their attempts to make him into something THEY found acceptable, something they wanted him to be…..so they could feel comfortable with who they were. They wished him, as all humans do, to share their suffering. They wanted to make sure that if they could not be free…neither could anyone else.
But this was different. He had defeated them, sufficiently, and became what he wanted to be. But the pressure, like a huge weight pressing on him to conform was always there. Built in to every social institution, every school. every church, every job, every advertisement he saw on the street, on the web, and on TV. A constant drumbeat, researched and designed to pull at the very primal roots of what it meant to be human, the manipulation and siren call to join the suffering herd was ever present, and every minute of every day was a struggle to resist it.
The struggle he was in now, and yes indeed it seemed that SOME form of struggle was the fate of all humans, was completely different. The very form this current struggle took was the complete opposite of the one he had fought his whole life. That had been a pressure from without, constantly attempting to shape him.
This was a demand that he surrender all shape. The previous forces in his life tried to make him into something….this was a demand that he become nothing. He had learned to protect and defend what was inside of him, the very stuff that he thought of as ‘his self,’ he had spent a lifetime guarding against all assault. And now, having succeeded, he was being asked…if not forced exactly, to give ALL of that up….to surrender it.
And so, here he was
But after a few hundred wearying, intense sessions