Obama Wins 2012 Erection Hands Down

(11 am. – promoted by ek hornbeck)

Crossposted from Antemedius

The White House on Wednesday said that Obama – after a week or so of making empty threats to try to pre-emptively defuse any tentative whimpering thoughts of  opposition among the peasants to it – has changed his mind and now announces that he will not veto the controversial 2012 National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA).

The president’s spokesman Carney Barker said lawmakers who crafted a compromise version from rival Senate and House versions of the legislation had addressed his reluctance about growing a pair and publicly taking ownership of the tough rules on detainees contained in Sections 1031 and 1032 of the act.

Sections 1031 and 1032 authorize the U.S. President to at his whim indefinitely detain and tie to their bedposts anyone anywhere he in his sole discretion decides to label as “enemy combatants” anywhere in the world without charge or trial forever, and have them be held in military custody stripped of all constitutional rights such as habeas corpus, the right to an attorney, the right to face their accusers, and other ridiculous rights and freedoms that he knows people in other parts of the world hate them for having.

Civil liberties advocates and others were furious at lawmakers for the broad scope of the provisions, which allows U.S. citizens on U.S. soil to be indefinitely detained without trial. Now the gloves are off and he can just grab anyone anytime off the street who happens – even without obvious reason – to excite him.

“Constitution be damned, we’re dealing with republicans badmouthing him in public all over town every chance they get like they think he’s their boyfriend” said Press Secretary Carney Barker, who also noted that “Unlike previous president Bush who kept his Dick in an office down the hall, Obama has been whispering sweet nothings and been publicly Dick-less since he was elected, but no longer. Being in bed with republicans has been making his head throb for three long years, and now he’s finally standing up!”.

Obama chief complaint had been that the goddamn piece of paper might continue to handcuff him as badly as another goddamn piece of paper so far has, keeping him as weak and powerless as he has been the past three years since his inauguration, but his handlers have finally convinced him that you just can’t go putting restrictions on the unitary executive, after all, or republicans might continue to bipartisanly call him “weak on national security”.  

Asked by reporters for his thoughts on this new manly “unitary executive” theory that Obama is now embracing, Big Dick former Vice-President Cheney responded saying “It’s not new. There is solid precedent. I was asked about this when it was revealed in 2005 that the Bush administration had been spying on Americans, and my answer remains now what it was then – the president can do whatever the hell he wants to, whenever the hell he wants to, to whomever the hell he wants to. Want a glass of water to wash that down with?”:

“If you want to understand why this program is legal…go back and read my Iran-Contra report.”

In that report – authored in 1987 – Cheney and his then still young testosterone soaked hot aide David Addington defended President Reagan by claiming it was “unconstitutional for Congress to pass laws intruding” on the “commander in chief”. noted Charlie Savage in October 2007.[1]

“The president is always right.” opined Steven Bradbury, U.S. Department of Justice lawyer on July 11, 2006.[2]

“It’s not too far from King of Everything, really.”  said Jan Frel in an article at AlterNet back on October 28, 2005.[3]

The unitary executive theory “asserts that all executive authority must be in the President’s hands, without exception.”[4] President George W. Bush “has been asserting from the outset of his presidency” that presidential power “must be unilateral, and unchecked.”[5]

But the most recent and blatant presidential intrusions on the law and Constitution supply the verse to that refrain. They not only claim unilateral executive power, but also supply the train of the President’s thinking, the texture of his motivations, and the root of his intentions.

So Obama has finally arrived, and now he’s not weak and powerless anymore like he has been pretending to be for three long years that have frustrated his would be lovers.

He’s finally grabbed hold of the reins and he’ll be able to come out of the closet now letting his inner FDR bloom and start arresting investment bankers while shutting down the WOT and all the ridiculous imperial wars that are bankrupting the country, driving Republicans into extinction as he sails through a 2012 landslide into a permanent Democratic majority?

It should also mean the end of all the terrorist attacks on peaceful Americans by mayors and blue suited goon squads all across the country?

The brilliant sun rises and shines on the empire.

In fact now, having no law barring him that says he can’t or that anyone can challenge him when he does, Obama can simply with the stroke of his pen or a nod to his chief of staff declare every GOP member in the House and the Senate to be “enemy combatants” and have them all disappeared by lunchtime tomorrow.

It was his greatest eleven dimensional bipartisan initiative.

Awesome.

If I had a Boehner I’d be feeling a little limp right about now.

It’s been a long day and I’m Bushed.

Goodnight. And God Bless America.

References

<sup>[1] ↑ Satyam Khanna, “Charlie Savage: Cheney Plotted Bush’s Imperial Presidency ‘Thirty Years Ago’,” Think Progress, October 9, 2007.

[2] ↑ Dana Milbank, “It’s Bush’s Way or the Highway on Guantanamo Bay,” Washington Post, July 12, 2006.

[3] ↑ Jan Frel, “Unitary Executive Theory,” AlterNet Blogs, October 28, 2005.

[4] ↑ Robert Parry, “The End of ‘Unalienable Rights’,” consortiumnews.com, January 24, 2006.

[5] ↑ Jennifer Van Bergen, “The Unitary Executive: Is The Doctrine Behind the Bush Presidency Consistent with a Democratic State?” FindLaw’s Writ, January 9, 2006.</sup>