From Naked Capitalism.
The other day, bored with co-opting members of the Finance Committee, tired of issuing zero-collateral credit default swaps, I needed to amuse myself, so I ordered Ezra Klein and Andrew Ross Sorkin to dress up in sheep costumes.
This was hilarious for a few seconds.
Then, bored with Ezra and Andy as sheep I ordered them to get down on their hands and knees and say “bah bah bah”.
That was funny for two minutes, then it got boring again. So I ordered them (still on their hands and knees saying “bah bah bah”) to polish my gold Milton Friedman statue with a buffing wheel. This was hilarious for maybe five minutes, however it took them twelve hours to finish the job.
And while those two, the crème de la crème of US journalism (ha ha) were hard at work, me half watching them, half day-dreaming about student suckers going into debt to pay back bond-funded projects for me and my people, the following thoughts occurred to me:
Now that the State has been thoroughly co-opted, meaning now that my crew (the 0.01 percent) has sold out America’s future for a quick buck, what’s next?
People ask why Congress repealed Glass-Steagall, why put the country at risk of another 30s style Depression? The answer is simple: bucket loads of cash made them do it.
Did anyone believe deregulation would lead to increased wealth for the nation or the people?
Deregulation was designed to increase wealth for the chosen and talented people – If I were in charge of schools Atlas Shrugged would be required reading – oh wait, I own an 80% stake in the Ed Reform outfits run by Gates, Murdoch and Bertelsmann!. (LCB gets on the phone and speed dials Arne Duncan to dictate the first item on his Monday To Do List.)
So how *did* we get Goldman guys to control the Fed, Treasury and top positions in the Administration?
It was simple. Bucket loads of cash – the trick that never fails!
I’m thinking of attending the Goldman Halloween Party dressed as Ted Bundy this year. I’m thinking trillions of dollars in unregulated CMOs, I’ll provide margin collateral for long positions in Shanghai copper futures by writing credit default swaps on CDOs constructed from sub-prime mortgages backed by houses in Newark, New Jersey. And maybe the toxic bonds we unloaded on a few municipalites last week – hmm, let’s see – last week we did . . . Detroit, Atlanta, New York City, Laredo, Sacramento – and at least 7 more.
I’m thinking hypothecated derivatives, the total destruction of the world (except the top 0.01), rifle shots, the assassination of Brooksley Born, gambling muppet assets on a single structured finance product that bets on a steepening of the euro yield curve, issued by US investment banks by utilizing sovereign bonds from Greece and interest rate swaps with a Japanese trading house.
I love deregulation because it’s Heads I Win Tails You Lose. Every Time.
And what about the regulators you say? Remember the ones who tried to warn Congress about the dangers of deregulation, dark pools and derivatives…
Oh right, them. Brooksley Born is still living but she’s not talking. The others were lost in the Disposition Matrix. Yes, they were “disappeared”. Abducted and tortured, then dropped at night over the Atlantic ocean – either Jamie or Mike lent us one of his personal flying machines for that special op…
Shark bait, that’s what became of them.
There’s still some money in Social Security, Medicare 401(k)s and pensions. We’ll take that as well. Make up some story, something about a deficit or a Fiscal Cliff….oh wait, it’s already been done.
If all else fails, we still have access to the Fed’s Discount Window.
Now Ezra, now Andy, looks like you’ve got old Milton shining all purdy-like, so enough with the “bah bah bah”, shut the f**k up, get out of those stupid sheep costumes, go home and do whatever it is that you do.
Write a pro-Goldman column, attack Greg Smith, compare Gupta’s two year prison sentence to the Nazi invasion of Poland, whatever, just stay the hell out of my sight until my secretary calls you….
Lloyd C. speaks for me.
1 comments
Author