If you have any sense at all you are already safely ensconced wherever you plan to celebrate and are preparing for riotous self-indulgence to celebrate the schadenfreude passing of a year memorable mostly for the milestones of decline into another dark age.
What is more threatening? Global Thermonuclear War or Warming?
But warming sounds so fuzzy and cute.
Tell it to the Polar Bears, God-less killing machines that they are. At least you used to be able to duck and cover and kiss your ass goodbye while praying to be fortunate among the blast radius so you’d avoid the dystopian barbarism descending as the Anthropocene Epoch comes to a close.
Shall I set you up again?
Anyway, traveling early and leaving late (tomorrow) allows the best chance of avoiding your own personal Mayan Apocalypse on Amateur Night and that’s one reason I’m disappointed in the entertainment offered. Where are my Circuses Caesar?
After the Ball drops your best bets are Zombie Apocalypse (AMC), Mayan Apocalyse (National Geographic), Dr. Who so depressing I didn’t even bother to record it (BBCA), Futurama Rapture (Comedy), Julia Roberts whoring for Mitt Romney (Lifetime), and the Twilight Zone (SciFi).
Oh, and Kathy Griffin (Bravo).
You might want to stay snuggled up until tomorrow when we will be liveblogging The Rose Parade at 11 am.
Happy New Year!
This edition covers the 12 hours from 6 pm to 6 am. Immediate gratification is here. The previous edition is here.
6 pm
- A&E– Storage Wars (until 4 am)
- AMC– The Fifth Element
- Toon– Regular Show (until 8 pm)
- Comedy– Austin Powers in Goldmember
- Disney– Phineas and Ferb (For Your Ice Only, Happy New Year!)
- ESPN2– College Hoopies (Gonzaga @ Oklahoma State)
- Food– Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives (until 4 am)
- FX– Step Brothers
- Oxygen– Mr. Deeds
- TLC– Cake Boss (9 pm, midnight, 2 am New Year Special premier, until 3 am)
6:30 pm
- Turner Classic– Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy (end of Abbott & Costello day)
7 pm
- Discovery– Fast N’ Loud (until 3 am)
- MSNBC– Hardball With Chris Matthews (New Year Special)
- National Geographic– Evacuate Earth
- Spike– Return of the Jedi (x 2 until 1:30 am)
- TNT– The Mentalist (until 11 pm)
7:30 pm
- ESPN– College Throwball (Chick-fil-A Bowl: Clemson v. LSU)
8 pm
- ABC– New Year’s Rockin’ Eve Celebrates Dick Clark
- CW– iHeartRadio Music Festival (until 10 pm)
- PBS– Live From Lincoln Center (One Singular Sensation: Celebrating Marvin Hamlisch)
- Toon– Incredible Crew (Series Premier)
- Comedy– Wedding Crashers
- Disney– Despicable Me
- ESPN2– College Hoopies (Harvard @ St. Mary’s)
- Faux Noise– The O’Reilly Factor (The Best of Goldberg & Miller)
- H2– 10 Things You Don’t Know About (until 3 am)
- Hub– Hercules: The Legendary Journeys (until 6 am)
- Lifetime– Pretty Woman
- MSNBC– The Ed Show (Middle Class Heroes 2012)
- Nick– Full House (New Year Special, until 11 pm)
- Oxygen– Just Friends
- TBS– Family Guy
- Turner Classic– After the Thin Man
8:30 pm
- ABC Family– The Goonies
9 pm
- AMC– The Walking Dead (until 5 am)
- Faux Noise– Hannity Special
- FX– Grown Ups (x 2 until midnight)
- National Geographic– Maya Underworld: The Real Doomsday
9:30 pm
- PBS– Downton Abbey Revisited
- Disney– Phineas and Ferb
10 pm
- ABC– Dick Clark’s Primetime New Year’s Rockin’ Eve With Ryan Seacrest 2013
- NBC– NBC’s New Year’s Eve With Carson Daly
- PBS– Independent Lens
- Faux Noise– The Five (New Year’s Special)
- MSNBC– The Last Word With Lawrence O’Donnell (The Last Word Holiday Party)
- National Geographic– The Mayan Apocalypse 2012
- Oxygen– Mr. Deeds
- Turner Classic– The Apartment
10:30 pm
- Comedy– South Park (until 12:30 am)
11 pm
- Fox– New Year’s Eve Live! (until 12:30 am)
- Disney– Austin & Jessie & Ally All Star New Year
- Disney XD– Phineas and Ferb For Your Ice Only, Happy New Year!)
- ESPN2– SportsNation (New Year’s Jeers)
- Faux Noise– All American New Year (until 12:30 am)
- MSNBC– The Ed Show (Middle Class Heroes 2012)
- MTV– MTV’s Club NYE 2013 (until 1 am)
- National Geographic– Maya Underworld: The Real Doomsday
- Nick– Friends (New Year Special, until 1 am)
- TBS– Conan (9/13 Steven Ho, James Van Der Beek, The Walkmen)
- TNT– Leverage (until 2 am)
- USA– Couples Retreat
11:30 pm
- ABC– Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve With Ryan Seacrest 2013 (until 2 am)
- CBS– David Letterman (12/7 Dustin Hoffman, One Direction)
- NBC– NBC’s New Year’s Eve With Carson Daly
- Toon– The Eric Andre New Year’s Eve Spooktacular! (until 12:15 am)
- VH1– 11:59 pm New Year’s Eve 2013 (7 minute New Year Special)
midnight
- Bravo– Kathy Griffin (until 4 am)
- Disney– Phineas and Ferb (For Your Ice Only, Happy New Year!)
- FX– Extract
- Lifetime– Pretty Woman
- National Geographic– Evacuate Earth
- Oxygen– Just Friends
- Turner Classic– Ocean’s Eleven
12:30 am
- CBS– Craig Ferguson (5/14 Mila Kunis, Michael Clarke Duncan, Rashida Jones, David Sedaris and Ariel Tweto, The Imagineers)
- NBC– Tonight Show (12/7 Leslie Mann, Jim Rome, Garbage)
- Comedy– Futurama (The Beast With a Billion Backs)
- Faux Noise– Red Eye New Year’s Special
1 am
- Faux Noise– The Five (New Year’s Special)
- MSNBC– The Last Word With Lawrence O’Donnell (The Last Word Holiday Party)
- TBS– Conan (9/13 Steven Ho, James Van Der Beek, The Walkmen)
1:30 am
- NBC– Late Night (11/21 Amy Poehler, Alicia Keys)
- USA– The Back-up Plan
2 am
- ESPN2– College Throwball (Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl: North Carolina State v. Vanderbilt)
- Faux Noise– All American New Year
- MSNBC– Hardball With Chris Matthews (New Year Special)
- National Geographic– The Mayan Apocalypse 2012
- Science– How It’s Made (until 10:30 am)
2:30 am
- Comedy– Katt Williams American Hustle: The Movie
- Turner Classic– Made for Each Other
3 am
- MSNBC– The Ed Show (Middle Class Heroes 2012)
3:30 am
- ESPN– College Throwball (Chick-fil-A Bowl: Clemson v. LSU)
4 am
- ESPN2– College Throwball (AutoZone Liberty Bowl: Iowa State v. Tulsa)
- Turner Classic– ‘Til We Meet Again
- USA– Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (until 6 am)
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