Can you pick The Onion without hovering your mouse over the links?
Not much of a challenge really, but if you just looked at the headlines you’d have an easy 50 / 50 shot at being wrong.
Newly Discovered Trench In Loch Ness Is Just The Right Size For A Monster
A boat captain in Scotland claims to have discovered a previously unknown trench at the bottom of Loch Ness that’s more than 100 feet deeper than the loch’s official depth.
Keith Stewart of Jacobite, a company that runs sightseeing cruises, even claims to have had a possible Nessie sighting on sonar.
“I wasn’t really a believer of the monster beforehand,” Stewart told the Scotsman, “But two weeks ago, I got a sonar image of what looked like a long object with a hump lying at the bottom. It wasn’t there when I scanned the loch bed later.”
Given that Stewart operates a ship that brings tourists out to “discover” the monster, the claim has to be met with a certain amount of skepticism. However, the company did release a video showing the depth being recorded as it passed over the trench. …
Frustrated Rick Santorum Still Waiting For Go-Ahead From God To Suspend Presidential Campaign
CHARLESTON, SC—Expressing frustration that he had yet to receive any divine counsel on the matter, former Senator Rick Santorum told reporters Friday that he was still waiting for the go-ahead from God to suspend his presidential campaign.
“My relationship with God drives every decision in my life, so here I am, still going through the motions eight months into this presidential run, looking for any green light from Him that I can end this thing,” said Santorum, explaining that he truly believed with all his heart that the Lord Almighty would have provided His blessing to pack it in once his national polling numbers dipped below 1 percent. “Seriously, this has gone on long enough. I really should have received His word, or at least some divine sign by now. I’ll just give God until the South Carolina primary and then I’m going to have to do some serious reevaluating.” …
At press time, God confirmed that He figured Santorum had already dropped out of the presidential race several months ago.