Go ahead, watch them die: F**k those joyless moralists who hate football and the Super Bowl
by Steve Almond, Salon
Thursday, Feb 4, 2016 05:59 PM EST
Super Bowl (Pretentious Roman Numeral 50) is upon us, America! Let us give thanks to the Gods of the Gridiron for our biggest and brightest holy day! Let us sit in thrall of ornate and savage beauty! Let us watch Cam Newton run wild like some brilliantly branded Caliban! Let us pray that Peyton Manning’s arm remains attached to the rest of his body, at least until the third quarter! Let us praise the cleverness of the sponsors! Let us consume processed foodstuffs until farts explode from our lucky bottoms!
I kid, of course. But only because I care.
The Super Bowl, after all, offers those of us who are hung up on football the chance to take part in the world’s largest tribal pop shot. Half of our adult population will watch the game. Trillions of dollars will be won and lost. Billions of otherwise billable hours will be wiled away on postmortems. Americans will be provided, if only for 24 sweet hours, a spectacle more triumphant and diverting than Donald Trump’s hair.
The problem—and isn’t there always some problem where pleasure is concerned?—is that a bunch of self-righteous ninnies are going to try to make us feel guilty for watching the Super Bowl.
And why?
Because, they say, the game is “dangerous.”
Yeah, well, so is being a construction worker! Or a cop! Or a mountain climber! So why not ban those things, huh? Plus the players get paid a fortune! They’re adults! They know the risks! At least they do now.
Seriously. Why is everyone picking on football? Why is the liberal media parading all these dead, demented former players around? People get dementia and die all the time. You don’t see them parading around dead insurance agents.
You know what it is? It’s depressing.
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These media elites are trying to brainwash you into believing that every single football player gets brain damage, which is capital B Bullshit. The percentage of former NFL players who get brain damage is 30 percent—tops.
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But what I really want to know is, what about the other 70 percent, huh? How come you never hear about the guys who turn out just fine? Guys who never would have had a chance to make it out of the ghetto and thanks to football they’re rich and famous and playing in celebrity golf tournaments? How come nobody ever tells that story?I’ll tell you why. Because there’s a whole conspiracy out there of doctors and reporters and authors who are making a fortune off this concussion panic. It’s a whole industry now. Just like with climate change.
The goal is to try to make people feel evil for taking pleasure in life, like me sitting there watching the Super Bowl is somehow to blame for the fact that Kenny Stabler’s brain looked like Swiss cheese when he died.
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Plus, the NFL has totally changed the rules. The guys on defense can’t even deliver a decent shot anymore without the league throwing a hissy fit. The sport is already totally wussed out compared to the old days.But here’s what all these naysayers keep forgetting: America has become the greatest nation on the face of the earth because we believe in liberty. And liberty boils down to free will.
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Americans can think for themselves and make up their own minds about what to watch. We don’t need a bunch of benchwarmers trying to smear the game every time some player rapes a woman or beats his kid. Newsflash: Women get raped all the time and kids get abused. Stop blaming football for society’s problems! Stop telling us we’re stupid and evil for loving America’s favorite sport.Stop venting your snobbery in the form of weasely questions about whether “it’s ethical to consume as entertainment a sport so violent it causes brain damage.”
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Because in the end, football is just a game. That’s my whole point. Football is just a game. The Super Bowl is just a game, all the hoopla aside. It brings a lot of joy and meaning to hundreds of millions of Americans. If a few players wind up a little confused later in life, it’s fine to feel bad for them and their loved ones and all that. But let’s not lose sight of what really matters.
Just in case you can’t be bothered to click through, Steve Almond’s book is titled Against Football, that’s what makes this funny and ironic.
Romans watched people die in Stadiums, why should we think we’re any different? Because we’re not lead poisoned imperialists? Do you think the people of Flint would agree with that assessment?
Oh, you want to know about the game. The young Black Guy beats the aging White Guy who was entirely overrated to begin with and is now waaay less good than that.
Wait, you believe in comebacks and redemption? Pitchers and Catchers don’t report for a week. There is absolutely no reason the Panthers after their near perfect season don’t crush the Broncos like bugs. When the first quarter is finished I may stop live blogging because the game will just be a painful bore.
And that’s the thing about Throwball, some folks find Baseball tedious because they’re not willing to concentrate for 3 or 4 hours but I think there is much less happening between the yard lines than there is on the diamond. Did you ever notice how rarely teams change their game plans based on their perfomance, how the Quarterback never looks past his first or second choice receiver? It’s like watching Turn Left Racing and unfortunately I suspect that it says volumes about our national character that our 2 most watched sports are this violent and otherwise uninteresting. I mostly use Throwball as a sleep aid.
Out of the 49 Super Bowls played a handful have been less than blowouts of epic proportion and there is more entertainment value in the ads than the on field action.
My therapist likes the Broncos over the Panthers for some reason, perhaps a scandal I’m too lazy to chase down because they are just so common. I never watch or follow the game unless it’s the Packers and after the Series. I have no dog in this fight (indeed more emotional connection to the Puppy and Kittie Bowls). They generally rational (though they are Skinnerian and I think my neurosis is more Freudian. No couch! What up with that?) and is likewise a Packers fan so you may wish to take that under advisement if you need encouragement about the Ponies.
If on the other hand you want to engage in debate about Beyonce and Coldplay there is plenty of room below.
CBS, 6:30 pm ET.
156 comments
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Vent Hole
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Panthers in Green, Broncos in White
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Ron Howard and a bunch of others have a hype piece
I suspect it was more entertaining when the Lions were hungry.
# bring back leather helmets
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See? We don’t kill all our players, only a third of them
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The KFC “Nightmare” commercial
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$200 for earbuds?
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Teams on the field
America the Beautiful by the Armed Forces Chorus
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At least it’s America the Beautiful
No this land? I can play that one!
The US Army Band and Lady Gaga – The National Anthem
Coin toss up mext
Coin toss up next
Tails never fails.
panthers win the toss, Denver to receive
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Joe Montana can hardly move
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Broncos from their 21
Broncos ball a own 20 after kick off
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Broncos from their 37
Broncos: 1st & 10 on own 38
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From the Panthers 34
Flag on last play holding by defense
Broncos 1st & 10 @ Panthers 34
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From the 13
Broncos: 1st & 10 on Panthers 14
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Broncos 3 – 0
Denver: 34 yd FG is Good
Denver 3 – Carolina 0
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Snicker Marilyn Monroe commercial
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Avacados from Mexico
Panthers ball on own 19 after kick off
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Jeff Goldblum acrophobia commercial
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Panthers from their 19
Panthers: 4th down. Punts to Broncos. Broncos ball on own 24
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Broncos from their 24
Broncos: 4th down forced to punt. Panthers’ ball on own 16
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Pretty cool Audi spot
Ball never comes out. Never hit the ground. Good challenge. Pass complete.
Call on last play challenged: Ruling stands incomplete pass
Bs. Never touched the ground.
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Fumble. TD Broncos. Broncos 10 – 0
Panthers fumble ball in end zone; Denver recovers & scores TD!!
Denver 10 – Carolina 0
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Panthers from their 20? 21?
Panthers: 1st & 10 on own 36
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Panthers from their 31
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Panthers from their 45
Panthers: 4th down.
Flag on call on defense. 15 yd penalty & 1st down on Panthers 45
Panthers: 4th & 4. Punt to Broncos at won 12
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Broncos from their 8
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Panthers from their 26
Broncos: 4th down. Manning sacked. Punt ot Panthers on their own 41.
Panthers: 1st & 10 @ own 47
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End of 1st, Broncos 10 – 0
Panthers: 1st & 10 on Denver 19
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Panthers at Broncos 15
Panthers: 1st & goal @ 3
Panthers: Touchdown
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TD Panthers. 10 – 7 Broncos
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Skittles Steve Tyler ad
Here we go Panthers.
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Broncos from the 20
Broncos’ ball on own 20 after kick off
That was a waste of a challenge.
Broncos: 4th down.. Punt to Panthers on own 34
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Panthers from the 50
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Broncos from Panthers 15
Panthers: 4th down. Punt again. Broncos ball on own 25 after 28 yd punt
Jordan Norwood return for 61 yards to Car14. Tackled by Mario Addison.
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FG. Broncos 13 – 7
Broncos 44yd FG is Good
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Touchback. Panthers from their 20.
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Coke Avengers ad
Panthers looked tired this first half.
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Broncos from their 40
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From the Panthers 25
Broncos: 1st & 10 on Panthers 23
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INT. Panthers at their 40
Peyton Manning pass INTERCEPTED by Kony Ealy and returned for 25 yards.
Panthers ball @ own 40
That’s the Payton Manning I remember.
Panthers: 4th down. 61 yd punt to Broncos end zone. Touchback.
Denver ball @ own 20
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2 Minute Warning
Broncos: 4th down. 53 yd punt to Panthres 19. 1st down Panthers @ own 19
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Independence Day 2
Panthers: Penalty: False Start on Carolina (Michael Oher) -5 yards.
2nd & 12 @ own 17
Panthers: Time out. 3rd & 12 @ own 17
Panthers: 1st & 10 @ own 41
Panthers: 1st & 10 @ Denver 45
Panthers: Newton sacked @ own 45. Halftime
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Halftime Broncos 13 – 7
The only song from Cold Play that I know is Viva La Vida
2nd half start. Denver’s Brandon McManus kicks off to the endzone. Touchback.
Panthers: 1st & 10 @ own 20
Panthers: at & 10 @ Denver 35
Flag on offense. 15 yd penalty
1st & 10 @ Denver 40
Panthers: 1st & 10 @ Denver 25
Panthers 4th down. 44yd FG is NO GOOD!!!
Broncos will take over @ own 34
Broncos: 1st & 10 @ Panthers 41
Broncos: 1st & 10 @ Panthers 17
Broncos: 1st & 5 @ Panthers 12
Panthers ball on own 20 after kick off
I didn’t expect the Panthers would have such a poor game.
Maybe they were over confident.
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Panthers from their 20
Panthers: !st & 10 @ Denver 38
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From Broncos 42
Panthers: !st & 10 @ Denver 28
Cam Newton pass INTERCEPTED by T.J. Ward and returned for 5 yards. FUMBLE, recovered by Den (Danny Trevathan).
Broncos ball @ own 10
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Weiner Dogs
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INT. Fumble. Broncos from their 5
Broncos: 1st 7 10 @ own 23
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Broncos at their 23
Manning sacked. 3rd & 17
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Panthers from their 34
Broncos: 4th down. Britton Colquitt punts for 54 yards to Car31. Ted Ginn Jr. return for 3 yards to Car34.
Panthers ball on own 31
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Sheep
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Clysdales
Panthers: 1st & 10 @ own 19
Panthers: 1st & 10 @ own 30
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Panthers from their 30
Panthers: Flagon offenece. 2nd & 15
Higher number of animal commercials this year.
Panthers: 4th down on own 22. 45 yd punt to Broncos.
Broncos: 1st & 10 @ own 32.
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End of 3rd. Broncos 16 – 7
Broncos: 2nd & 10 @ own 32 at the end of 3rd quarter
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Broncos from their 32
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Panther 37
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Fumble. Panthers at 50
Fumble; Panthers – 1st & 10 @ 50
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Panthers from Broncos 34
Panthers – 1st & 10 @ Denver 34
Panthers – 1st & 10 @ Denver 22
Flag on play: false start offense; 5yd penalty still 3rd down
Panthers: 4th down. 39 yd FG is GOOD
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FG. Broncos 16 – 10
Panthers ball after kick.
Panthres: 1st &10 @ own 24
Broncos ball on own 24
Broncos: 4th down & punt to Panthers @ about their won 28
Panthers: Penalty: False Start on Carolina (Mike Remmers) -5 yards. 2nd & 14 @ own 24
Panthers: 4th down. Brad Nortman punts for 41 yards to Den24. No return.
Broncos: 1st & own 24
This is normally the point in the game Payton Manning chokes. But then again they are usually behind.
Broncos: 4th down. Broncos Britton Colquitt punts for 48 yards to Car24. No return.
Pnather: 1st & 10 @ own 24
Broncos INTERCEPT from Newton.
Broncos: 1st & goal @ Panthers 4
Broncos TOUCHDOWN
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TD. Broncos 24 – 10
I think it’s game over at this point. Have to say I’m surprised. I figured the scores would be reversed.
After review Touchdown confrmed
2 point conversion is GOOD
Broncos 24 – Carolina 10
Panthers: 1st & 20 @ own 20 after kick
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Panthers from their 20.
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Broncos at their 34. 2 Minutes.
Seriously, what happened to the Panthers? They were nearly undefeated and the Broncos a long shot
Broncos ball on own 37
1st and 10
Last Play: Brad Nortman punts for 57 yards to Den37. No return.
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A lateral? That was an exciting play.
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Broncos 24 – 10 Final.
Oh well. Maybe they’ll get him on the hgh. Payton is an a hole.
Since the end of the payoffs, I expected the Panthers to win this. Never did I think that the Broncos would win Super Bowl 50.
I feel bad for Panthers’ QB Kam Newton but he is young and will be back next year. This may be Peyton’s last game and his last chance at a Super Bowl win.
Congrats, to the Denver Broncos and Peyton Manning. Well done.