Why am I not on “social” media?

Well, first of all, I am on social media. I’ve been blogging for 13 years, over 7,000 posts, more than 2 a day, every day.

Did I mention they’re exactly the same?

The days I mean. I have at least 6 distinct writing styles exclusive of my Faulkner and Hemingway (which I execute flawlessly) and my sock puppets which take a lot of tradecraft.

Yeah, but you’re never on MySpace/Facebook/Twitter/Instagram. Do you have another life you’re hiding from us?

Uh, I have a real life that is none of your damn business and I’m not hiding it at all, I’m just not sharing it with you and any random Internet Identity Pirate. Find someone else to suck on you emotional black hole vampire.

Besides, I’ve found something much, much better- Onion Social.

See? It’s so trendy you aren’t even a member yet.