Sometime around December 23rd, but canonically any time between December and May, we celebrate Festivus.
Symbolically represented by the Festivus Pole (seen at right) an unadorned aluminum pole between 3′ to 6′ high stuck in some drab and out of the way corner. It can be used as a weapon and frequently is. Traditionally it is stark and entirely unadorned and the stand crudely fashioned. Under no circumstances should any ‘presents’ be placed near it unless they’re of the sort a too long ignored pet would leave.
There are several rituals that accompany the celebration of Festivus.
I think I’ll spare you the Feats of Strength, though if you think I’m dead you can poke me with a stick and see.
Festivus Dinner
A Festivus Dinner menu is typical of any other holiday, Turkey, Ham, Roast Beef, Lamb, with the customary sides poorly cooked and resentfully served. It’s rarely if ever eaten and instead used as weapons which explains why it’s frequently over cooked to flaccid sogginess except in fundamentalist circles where a Ham Bone or Lamb Shank becomes an instrument of murderous intent. It is often accompanied by copious consumption of alcohol (well, in fairness, the food is inedible).
The Airing of Grievances
The Airing of Grievances takes place immediately after the Festivus dinner has been served (but frequently before any of it is actually consumed). It consists of each person lashing out at others and the world about how they have been abused and disappointed in the past year, particularly the other Festivus celebrants. It often ends in insults that lead to life long resentment and violence.
Feats of Strength
The most misunderstood of the Festivus rituals, there is only one Feat of Strength. The head of the household picks a challenger and engages in a wrestling match. They typically pick the weakest first. This continues until the head of the household is defeated.
That concludes the essential rituals of Festivus. Now you might think that defeat of the head of the household results in ceremonial bragging rights or change of some sort.
No.
It is essentially pointless as is the rest of the Festivus celebration which is, in fact, entirely the point.
No hugging. No learning.
It’s for the rest of us.
The airing of grievances is mandatory. ‘Tis the reason for the season. I’ve been quite cranky this year, as those close to me and faithful readers will attest.
Here’s hoping your Festivus is uninterrupted by visits from ‘Law’ Enforcement Officers or trips to the Emergency Room.