JP Morgan to acquire Barack Obama from BP, Goldman.

(2PM EST – promoted by Nightprowlkitty)

Team Barack Obama (TBO) was closed by the U.S. government in by far the largest failure of a U.S. President since George W. Bush, and its political assets were sold to JPMorgan Chase for $1.9 billion.   Team Obama was originally jointly purchased in early 2008 by Goldman Sachs and British Petroleum, both of which have been suffering devastating political setbacks in recent weeks.  The rescue marks a historic step to clean up a U.S. financial system littered with toxic mortgage debt, and was initiated by the Office of Thrift Supervision after the TBO division suffered deposit outflows of $14 trillion USD since Sept. 15, 2008.

“With insufficient political capital to meet its obligations, TBO was in an unsafe and unsound condition to transact the nation’s business,” the OTS said.  

According to J.P. Morgan Chase’s chief economist James Glassman, Team Obama “exposed an unnerving ignorance of fundamental principles of market economics by folks who have a hand in remapping rules of finance that will be with us for a while.  Now that the financial reform debate is in the final innings, it’s time for the grownups to step in.”

The transaction gives JPMorgan roughly 5,400 executive branch positions, and fulfills JPMorgan Chief Executive Jamie Dimon’s long-held goal of becoming a major, major political force in the United States and beyond.

“Jamie Dimon is clearly feeling that he has an opportunity to grab market share, and get it at fire-sale prices,” said an anonymous portfolio manager. “He’s becoming an acquisition machine.”

The transaction also comes as Washington wrangles over the fate of the financial services industry, which has been battered by mortgage .defaults and tight credit conditions, and evaporating investor confidence.

“It removes an uncertainty from the market,” said an un-named head of investment strategy. “The problem is that markets are in a jittery stage.  Team Obama provides another reminder how tenuous things are.”

“Fuck, fuck, FUCK!  Take that tampon out of your fucking mouth and tell me again why this fucking shit is happening now!” demanded an anonymous chief of staff for TBO.

TBO’s collapse is the latest of a series of takeovers and outright failures that have transformed the American financial landscape and wiped out hundreds of billions of dollars of shareholder wealth.

Shares of Team Barack Obama [TBO  34.04   – 0.16  (- 0.47%)] plunged $1.24 to 45 cents in after-hours trading after news of a JPMorgan transaction surfaced. JPMorgan shares [JPM  42.68   0.21  (+0.49%)   rose $1.04 to $44.50 after hours.

In related news, members of the US Congress personally made killings shorting the president, the states, municipalities, and the American people.