I watched him die.

(9AM EST – promoted by Nightprowlkitty)

I watched HER die.  I watched my lover, my boyfriend, and now, only lately, what I have come to understand that those words are a sham, my husband, die. in 1997.

I was denied access to his belongings by the hospital.  I was denied the final choice on the disposition of his remains, by the crematorium.

My mother was a homophobe.  In February, I watched him die.  I got called by the hospital, because I had to have rest.  I had no emotion, hearing the words, he had died.  I sobbed, great, wracking sobs, with no emotion of any kind, in them.  In February, February 23rd, he died.

My mother was a homophobe.  But a kind one.  On December 9th, 1997, she died.

She could not understand why I could not just try a woman.

She loved animals, and finches, and hamsters.  Killed them, too, with great wracking sobs, when they were in pain.

She died of cervical cancer.  She died in agony.  She died, with her last words to me, about how if I gave a shit about her, I would not get AIDS .. as if I was a prostitute, rather than trying to rebuild my life out of pain.  Her last words, about my brother, were about how neither of them gave a shit to visit her.

I watched her die.  I held my hand to her temple as she took her last breath.

This is how I feel now.

I am in pain.

I am lonely.  But I am strong, also.

I have recovered.  It has taken me 11 years.  But I am strong, again.

I am the Phoenix.  And the Phoenix is angry.

The Phoenix burns.  The Phoenix does not feel pity, or remorse, or fear.

It burns.

Do not speak to me of humor, or acceptance.  I have passed through those.  I have passed through the sun, and come out unburnt.

I have passed through my stage of humanistic acceptance of life and its vagaries.  I have passed through pain.

I had a husband, not a lover, not a boyfriend.

You took that away from me.  

I have no sense of humor about this, no.  I will never have.

You can mock me, but I will not be mocked.  I have a pain that will take my death to resolve.

I am death.  But I am also the Phoenix.

And the Phoenix will not be mocked.