Friday Philosophy: Journey

One night in the FarAway/LongAgo, I had trouble getting to sleep, so I sat up for several hours thinking about some things and felt like writing a bit about them.  It was a bit of a ramble.

I had not really been sharing much of my writing at the time because I came to a point where I thought that other people in the gender community needed to find themselves more than they needed to listen to what I had to say.  Someone questioned that stance and I thought it through and realized that I had perhaps been too hasty.

The following is a rewrite of that ramble, with some new words hung like ornaments here and there.  It was originally written as an address to my community.  Ultimately, however, circumstances did warrant continuation of that withdrawal.  There are limitations on how thin one can spread oneself and still be able to delve deeply.  Decisions made about which is more important have consequences.

The Journey

Where does a story ultimately begin?

When I first transitioned, I worried a lot about * why * I was a transsexual.  The roots of this question go a long way back, when I used to wonder why I couldn’t just be like other people and find a place where I could fit in.  Fitting in seemed very important at the time.

Being the inquisitive person I am (and not having much of a social life anyway), I did a lot of reading, whatever was available in our library and whatever else I could get my hands on.  When I came out to my relatives, I tried to relay to them the conclusions I had drawn from what I read, but when it came down to it, there weren’t any hard and fast reasons why I was the way I was.

As time passed I realized that it wasn’t really important why.  Knowing why I was the way I was wasn’t going to solve anything.  Nor was it going to change people’s preconceived notions about me.  I would still be me and would have to learn how to cope some way.  My past coping mechanism (ignore it and maybe it will go away) no longer worked (it never really did).  I couldn’t ignore it anymore.  Somehow, everyone would have to find a way to deal with that.

Back in my hippie days, there was a phrase about people “finding themselves.”  Lots of people went on that search.  Here I was at the age of 44 just starting that same journey…the journey in search of myself…the discovery of what was behind those locked doors.

So the question became, “Who?”, not “Why?”  Just who was I anyway?  There was a time when I worried that I would wake up one morning to discover that I had been lying to myself.  People are pretty good at that.  So my journey became an inward one at first, searching my own “soul” for the truth, for the nugget of essence that defined me.  Did I find it?  I really don’t know.  But I discovered that I was happy…happier than ever in my life.  And that had to count for something.

I still carry on that inner search.  That’s what having a therapist is all about, in my opinion.  Kurt‘s job was to show me how.  I hope I have learned his lessons well.

[Personal opinion:  so?called gender therapists sometimes are a disservice to us, unless we are really questioning our gender.  I haven’t done that in years…I knew which gender I was already and didn’t need a therapist to tell me.  We need therapists that can help us find ourselves, to help build us into the people we envision we might have been.]  

With the aid of my therapist, I realized that I didn’t have to keep hiding my inner personality, that I could let it go and let the chips fall where they may.  So my inner search also became an outer one, searching for acceptance from the world around me.  This was a very hard step, because I had always been shy.  So I extended the boundaries of my world, not just going to safe places, but dealing with the world out there as I never had before.  The real world was someplace not connected with academia, where I had always immersed myself.

Eventually we have to become our own therapists in order to progress to that next level.

So I ventured into the communities to which I wished to belong …both the local community, and the local lesbian community, and even here.  It took work, but I found the acceptance I was looking for.  It still requires that work.  I also ventured on trips looking for acceptance in the communities I had left behind with my youth.  There was some rejection, but I did find the acceptance I had not really had before.  And that means something.  It may not always be enough, but one should savor what one finds.

At this point, there was really one thing missing in my life… affection.  My GLBT therapy group worked for a month on relationships one upon a time and I paid close attention.  I had been married for 24 years, and I had just sort of fallen into that relationship, so I was completely naive about relationships in general.  Nor did I want a relationship based solely on sex or physical appearance.  Fortunately, I was open enough at the proper time to find that there was some one who loved me and that I loved her.

Art Link Sextet Love Does the Finding Love departed when I changed or at least what I thought was love but it came with conditions I could no longer fulfill I despaired of ever finding it again though I searched for it begged for it cried long hours and days at its demise and denial Eventually one stops looking I dedicated my life to helping others while I resigned myself to being alone It was then that love found me –Robyn Elaine Serven –February 13, 2006

Are all my problems solved?  Of course not!  Life is a neverending story problem (well, I was a math teacher after all).  When you get one portion pretty well fixed up to your satisfaction, you can be sure that something else will rear its head.  But my experience in crossing the barriers that I already have has taught me a lot.  Mostly, I know that nothing is as hard to do as you think it will be.  And I’ve learned to have patience with life…it has a way of healing things if you let it.

We are each of us on a journey.  Even people who are not like us.  Some may see it as a journey to surgery, but it is not.  It started well before we transitioned and it will go well beyond.  The journey is called life.  It is a trail with many branchings and navigating it may be perilous at times.  There are mazes that we can get stuck in so badly that we completely forget about the trail.  We stagnate.  There are great obstacles along the path, and it often seems easier just to take another trail, but the obstacles are there for a reason.  In surmounting them, we learn our survival skills.  The trail is endless, so there is no need to rush along it.  The beauty of the trail is not its destination, but the scenery along the sides of the way.

Art Link Obstacles Friends Along the Way I started out on this  road all alone    Fear and Pain       my only companions          I wondered if            I would lose myself              The road seemed dark                and fraught with peril                  Til I found I had                    Friends along the way                        As the road wound                          through hard terrain                            I sometimes doubted                              my ability to go on                                But I fought back                                  the Fear                                    and worked through                                      the Pain                                        with the help of my                                          Friends along the way                                              As time passed by                                              the road ascended                                          Obstacles less frequent                                       but harder to pass                                    And at times                                  I needed the                                places of refuge                              respite and care                            offered to me by                          Friends along the way                      I’ve come to the crest                    of the mountain                  I’ve climbed                As I look down below              I see all of the            barriers crossed          the challenges I met        and the lessons I learned      I will never forget those    Friends along the way What lies over the top of the road  There is no    way of knowing      But deep in my heart        From the depths          of my soul            I know that I’ll have              The company of my                Friends from along the way –Robyn Elaine Serven –July, 1994