Helter Skelter

( – promoted by buhdydharma )

“Helter Skelter.  She’s coming down fast.  Yes she is.  Yes she is.  Coming down fast.”  

The RePug establishment is desperate.  They’ve been destroying everything in sight with such reckless abandon that Americans are finally noticing that something’s not quite right with the Republican Party.  RePug candidates are pathetic, their voters are disillusioned, and the massive Democratic turnout in Iowa is an ominous indication that the hunted are energized, inspired, and about to become the hunters.  

RePugs are facing an electoral blowout of historic proportions at every level of government in November.  The big money thugs who control the GOP are desperate to smear Mike Huckabee out of contention and anoint their former smear target McCain as the latest GOP Messiah, but if they do the evangelicals will grab their torches and burn that heretic at the stake.   Another slight problem for the GOP and their Anointed One is the likelihood of a nationwide insurgent offensive across Iraq during this presidential election year.  That’s assuming of course that the insurgents for some reason might realize that massive coordinated attacks would have a decisive political impact this year, just like the Viet Cong/NVA Tet Offensive had on the 1968 election.

Who’s toast if when that happens?  John “Let’s Stay in Iraq 100 Years” McCain, that’s who.        

Rudy was the front runner, but he’s leaking radiation like a Chernobyl reactor.  When your campaign staffers have to wear geiger counters, the end is near.  Romney could try salvaging his campaign by making a Checkers speech, but that would just remind voters that he strapped the Romney family dog to the roof of their MormonMobile.  And when Americans realize Huckabee makes Pat Robertson look like a secular humanist, the Checkers speech option won’t be available for the Huckster either, thanks to Huck Jr. and that unfortunate dog-hanging incident.  

Conundrums, conundrums.

Desperate for a solution, RePug strategists are lighting up each other’s Blackberries, plotting to replace this pickin’ and grinnin’ lunatic:  

With this one:

They’re both lunatics, but Manson is also a racist, a liar, a thief, and a killer.  Solid conservative credentials across the board!  He’s a strong leader too, RePug primary voters admire that in a candidate.    

Fortunately for America, Manson is in prison and RePug governors have too much integrity to pardon convicted felons for craven political reasons.

Wait.

Uh oh . . .

America, meet the GOP’s new spokesperson for Compassionate Conservatism 2.0:

You don’t think this man could be America’s next Republican President?  If so, I have three questions for you:

1.  Did the GOP successfully package the co-star of a monkey in “Bedtime for Bonzo” as a viable presidential candidate and Leader of the Free World?  

2.  Did that co-star of a monkey win the Presidency twice?  

3.  By landslides?  

If you correctly answered “yes” to all three questions, you win free airline tickets to Canada for you and your family.  This offer expires on January 20, 2009.  Use ’em or lose ’em.    

Republican strategists are aware that because the liberal media was almost as bad in 1969 as it is now, the name Charles Manson has some unfairly negative connotations for Americans.  But they can fix that up by repackaging their imminent new GOP front runner as Chuck.  Chuck has a nice all-American boy ring to it, and will appeal to younger voters who like famous people with one name, like Bono.  Chuck, the guy next door, someone you’d want to go out and have a beer with, unlike that fag Edwards or that uppity Negro Hussein Osama.

Republican strategists know the liberal media will be sure to make another big fuss about the unfortunate disagreement Chuck and his friends had with that notorious Hollywood slut Sharon Tate and those La Bianca commies.  But they’ll point out that like George Bush during Iran-Contra, Chuck was out of the loop.  He had no idea his friends were planning to temporarily break a few laws for the good of the country.  Yet he was unfairly accused by an out-of-control prosecutor, targeted for conviction by an activist judge, and unjustly sent to jail by a jury of Democrat tree huggers.        

As soon as Arnold pardons Chuck and he walks out into the California sunshine a free man, Tweety’s phone will ring, Pumpkinhead’s phone will ring, and the GOP’s New Messiah will be headed for the talk shows, where no one will mention the swastika carved on his forehead or ask him why he he ordered a pregnant white woman to be murdered in order to trigger a race war and ethnically cleanse America of blacks.    

Chuck’s beard will have to go though, so they’ll hand him a razor . . . well, maybe not.  The bloody corpses of staffers all over the place would be hard to spin, even on Meet the Press and Hardball.  A shave and a nice haircut from RNC stylists will be arranged instead, then they’ll slap a suit and tie on him and he’ll be good to go.

We’ve heard “I Like Ike!”  We’ve heard “Nixon’s the One!”  Get ready for “Chuck, Not Huck!”

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

The GOP knows there’s no time to lose.  The reaction photographed below is frighteningly common at every RePug campaign event, no matter which of their candidates is causing mass nausea within a fifty-square-mile radius of the podium:  

So . . . get ready for:

Sponsored by your corporate friends at Bechtel, The Carlyle Group, Chevron, Halliburton, and Associates: