Important If True: Cheesy Remakes edition

“Important If True” is an irregularly-scheduled Mojo Swap Meet wherein the diarist cobbles together a collection of seemingly random thoughts, no single one of which, taken by itself, may be worthy of attention, but which, when presented en masse in a veritable mélange, a pastiche, as it were, of cerebral offal, might thus put to rest any niggling doubts that you may have had about whether the effort would be worth it. Or, to paraphrase someone, you should waste no time in reading this . . .

– but definitely spread the mojo around in the comments! Thanks for reading!

GODZILLA MEETS MOTHRA, erm, SILKWORM: Oh my god, I had no idea the Writers’ Guild of America had a local in the White House. There’s just no other way to explain the simply awful stuff that’s coming out of George Bush’s mouth these days. First, someone cooks up (h/t dday) the terrible idea of a remake of What’s Up, Tiger Lily?, only this time it’s set in the Straits of Hormuz, and instead of Saracen Pigs and Turkish Taffies battling for the top-secret egg-salad recipe on which the future of the free world hangs, we get a bunch of Iranian gunboat pilots, fresh from spring break at Lake Havasu, buzzing U.S. warships, obviously looking for “knowledge” of nookyoolar weapons technology, which, as we all know, is enough to get your country bombed. And speaking of being bombed, at least we can be thankful the gunboat pilots didn’t think they actually were at Havasu, and thus didn’t see the need to favor us with a view of their chi-chis . . .

KNOW WHAT I MEAN, KNOW WHAT I MEAN?: In another bad remake, the current resident of the White House channeled Donald Rumsfeld when asked about the difficulties of solving the Israeli-Palestani issue: “Is it going to be hard work? You bet!” But the Pretzelnit has a plan: He’s going to “nudge the process forward . . . I arrived and it nudged the process forward.” He said he’ll “be a pain if I need to be a pain.” Middle East peace envoy Eric Idle is scheduled to arrive in Tel Aviv any moment . . .

Is your wife a…goer…eh? Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Nudge nudge. Nudge nudge. Know what I mean? Say no more…know what I mean?

DRIVING THE CASE FOR IMPEACHMENT: I’m sure you’ll be as shocked, SHOCKED! as I was to hear that the BushCheney Department of Transportation has decided to “interpret” a part of the budget bill passed by Congress and signed by President Bush a few weeks ago in the following manner: F**k you, Congress. Yeah, looks like a pilot program previously authorized under the Republic Congress has been the beneficiary of the unique constitutional view held by BushCheney’s Corporate Administration. The language of the new bill stated, “None of the funds made available under this act may be used to establish a cross-border motor carrier demonstration program to allow Mexico-domiciled motor carriers to operate beyond the commercial zones along the international border between the United States and Mexico.” While most English-speaking readers would understand that to mean, well, exactly what it says, ahh, BushCheney, Inc., somehow “interpreted” a cutoff of funding to mean nothing – and so the DOT has decided to keep the program going. So much for any ideas about ending the illegal occupation of Iraq (h/t TeamsterPower) . . .

ROUND UP EXONERATE THE USUAL SUSPECTS: Lest anyone get overly excited about the Justice Department’s much-ballyhooed “investigation” into the destruction of the CIA interrogation tapes, consider this: This very same “Justice” Department has just dropped its investigation into former Montana Senator Conrad Burns, the legislator who received more Jack Abramoff money than anyone. Yeah – the “investigation” was so thorough, boy, they crawled right up Burns’s behind – uh, although they managed to “investigate” him without even interviewing him . . . Who needs executive privilege when you’ve got executive complicity? (H/t davybaby) . . . And the appellate court ruling in the case of the Democrats’ own shining star of integrity, William Jefferson, might be the excuse the Justice Department is using to halt its investigations . . . Oh – and did I mention that Burns, who lost his longtime Senate seat to Jon Tester in November 2006, now works for a lobbying firm? Yeah . . .

FIGHT ON, MR. PRESIDENT!: Oooh, the L.A. Times‘ teaser headline had me going – New book points a finger at Bush – and it certainly sounded like juicy reading: illegal payments, rules violations, potential loss of national honors. But, alas, ’twas not to be. Just a tell-all book about former USC running back Reggie Bush who allegedly accepted money, cars and housing for his family while he was playing at Southern Cal. I know, I know: once again, you’re shocked, SHOCKED to learn that a Trojan football star might have received more than tuition, room and board during his college career. Well, I’m sure it’s the first time it’s happened . .  . ET TU, CARDINAL AND GOLD?: Violating the eternal SC code of omerta “Once a Trojan, always a Trojan,” the L.A. Times article was co-written by former Trojan swimming standout and Olympian David Wharton, a longtime Times staffer . . .

A FEW GOOD THESPIANS: Just in case you haven’t yet done your usual daily Googling of “Juilliard  +’Marine Corps,’ ” let me save you some time: The New York Times yesterday reported on former Lance Cpl. Adam Driver’s work in bringing haute drama to Camp Pendleton. Driver, 24, a third-year Juilliard student, was joined by Juilliard alum and two-time Oscar nominee Laura Linney, among others, at a recent free performance for a sparse but appreciative audience at the Marine Corps Base Training Center’s 1,500-seat auditorium . . . Ars longa, vita brevis, semper fidelis . . .

HEY, UH, LORD, YA WANT I SHOULD WHACK DIS GUY?: A Catholic priest from Scranton was arrested for lying about his Mob ties. That’s a punch line all by itself . . . Hey, at least he wasn’t running a pedophile ring . . .

(SNIFF) I NEED A BIG CROCODILE HANKY (SOB): Republic political strategist Dan Schnur laments the absence of George Allen from the Republic primary field, blaming “macaca” for the dregs that R voters have to pick from. “But when he uttered what many considered to be an ethnic slur against an opponent’s staffer, Allen’s Senate reelection campaign began a downward spiral from which he never recovered. Instead of touring Iowa and New Hampshire as a conquering hero, he returned to his home state as a private citizen, leaving a vacuum atop the GOP field.” Uhh, two things there: “considered to be an ethnic slur”? Yeah. And, ahh, a noose-diplaying racist like Allen would’ve been “atop” the GOP field – as in, the best they had to offer. True dat . . .

HEY, RUDY! NO PRESS CONFERENCE NECESSARY!: A court in Egypt is reviewing whether under Islamic law a husband’s text message to his wife is sufficient notice to meet the standard for divorce. (Malaysian courts already have ruled that text messaging may be used to effect such a divorce, called a “”triple talaq.”) Now, of course, standard text messaging rates apply, and since Sharia law calls for the husband to repeat his intent three times, depending on which plan he is enrolled in, the cost of the divorce could run as high as 60 cents American . . .

THE-MORE-THINGS-CHANGE DEPT.: From a diary I wrote six months ago: “I look around at the various co-conspirators of the BushCheney administration, and the peevish question comes to mind: Are you still here? It must be that the huge no-bid contract to import orange jumpsuits from the Northern Marianas has not yet been awarded to any big Republican campaign donor; otherwise, I cannot think of a compelling reason for so many felons to be roaming free on U.S. government property.”

PRETZEL LOGIC: Diarist FreedomDemocrat reports that a hotbed of support for racist-in-pacifist’s-clothing Ron Paul during Iowa’s caucus last week was Jefferson County, down in the southeast corner of the state. It’s probably not a coincidence that Jefferson County is home to Maharishi International University, which spreads the Transcendental Meditation teachings of Maharishi Mahesh Yogi. About a third of Jefferson County’s 10,000 residents are practitioners of Transcendental Meditation. The goal of TM (as its adherents call it) is to transcend thought. Oh. That explains it . . .

CULTURE OF LIFE – UH, EXCEPT FOR THE PART ABOUT WAR, EXECUTION AND SUICIDE: (h/t AHiddenSaint) Mike Huckabee, to whom most life is sacred, proposed a novel way to cull the field in the Republic primaries: A warm bathtub and a stock of razor blades (a method that almost certainly couldn’t be fixed utilizing his preferred duct tape and WD40) . . .

THE “S” IS FOR SURPRISE!!??: Proposition S is a measure on next months’ ballot in the City of Los Angeles that would tax certain telephone and internet use. A radio ad regarding Prop S says it’s “the worst surprise involving a laptop since The Crying Game.”.

MULTINATIONAL PUBLIC RADIO: This morning on NPR’s “Morning Edition,” Renee Montagne interviewed Major General John Kelly, pointing out that Gen. Kelly will begin commanding the “multinational force” in al-Anbar province next month, Heh: she said, “multinational forces,” heh-heh, heh-heh. The *cough*multinational force consists of troops from 22 countries: 154,000 from the U.S., 4,500 from Great Britain, and 5,500 from 22 other countries. The MNF, as it’s called, even has its own website, complete with information on “Freedom Facts” and, under “The New Face of Iraq,” the “Iraqi Central Government” section has exactly two entries, both dated May 2006, including, “The Program of the National Unity Government of Iraq” . . . Don’t forget Poland!  . . .

FROM EVEREST TO VALHALLA: Sir Edmund Hillary has died. One of the first two men to stand atop Mount Everest, Chomolungma, the highest mountain on earth, Hillary was a hero to many. Besides the landmark he achieved in 1953 along with his Sherpa companion, Tenzing Norgay, Hillary made a difference in the lives of thousands of Nepalese through his establishment and guidance of The Himalayan Trust, charged with building hospitals, health clinics and schools in the impoverished country that helped make him famous. Hillary will forever remain a “role model” not only to climbers, but to all people everywhere . . . Another role model, Dorothy Hamill, darling of the 1976 Winter Olympics (and object – or so I’m told – of more than a few crushes-from-afar), revealed recently that she has breast cancer . . .

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