Loneliness and Isolation
The mind–yearning, seeking, questing, emerging–female.
The body–betraying the mind–male.
Can one express what it feels like to be transsexual?
Before I was man and was treated like man.
After I will be woman.
Now I am both/neither.
Neither generally wins, excluded from both.
Is it too difficult for others to comprehend
Or is it too difficult for me to explain?
Is there anyone who will accept me as I am
Or will I only be accepted/rejected
For who I was/will be?
Loneliness and isolation nip at the edges of my being.
Certainty becomes expectation.
Expectation becomes hope.
Hopes become dreams.
The dreams dissipate into nothingness.
Another friend is gone.
New friends are made.
Life changes but why must the bridge be so tenuous?
Loneliness and isolation blur my consciousness.
Why must others always bring up the past
Which has become so foreign to me?
The events are there but the feelings are gone.
How do I describe the deeper feelings that have replaced them?
Emotions long submerged boil to the surface
And erupt full-blown into the mind
But there is no one present with whom to share them.
Loneliness and isolation crowd around my soul.
How do I explain the feeling of hormones
Coursing through my body,
Changing it to fit the mind?
How do I deal with the sexuality, the sensuality
Exploding in every nerve ending?
When there is nobody with whom to explore these sensations,
Time slows considerably.
How does one measure the growth of a breast?
With a watch, a sundial, a calendar, or with a life?
Loneliness and isolation seek to smother my existence
–Robyn Elaine Serven
–November, 1992 |