It Be International Talk Like a Pirate Day!

Reprinted from The Stars Hollow Gazette, September 19, 2010

Now with more Pirate Carols!

Ahoy matey!

Wikipedia, which as we know can be trusted in all things (especially Colbert Elephants), tells us that in the modern era celebration of Talk Like a Pirate Day started in 1995.  Those who accept Our Noodly Savior know that Pirates were the Original Apostles of Pastafarianism.  Unfortunately the Revealed Scripture (known as The Ramen Texts) is unavailable for modern study as it was consumed during a particularly long calm in the Doldrums.

Still it is accepted as an article of faith proven by the historical record that decline in Piracy is directly correlated with Global Warming and many choose to spend this day in Worship at Church in addition to emulating the manners, customs, and language of their Pirate forbearers.  I myself have the good fortune to be 1/4 full blooded Pirate through my Viking ancestors (indeed Viking is a verb which means ‘Pirate’).

I generally celebrate International Talk Like a Pirate Day by telling the 3 Pirate Jokes.  There are only 3, all the others are just variations.  As Cap’n Slappy says:

Thar be only three pirate jokes in the world. The biggest one is the one that ends with someone usin’ “Arrr” in the punchline. Oh, sure, thar be plenty o’ these, but they’re all the same damn joke.

“What’s the pirate movie rated? – Arrr!” “What kind o’ socks does a pirate wear? – Arrrrgyle!” “What’s the problem with the way a pirate speaks? – Arrrrticulation!” …and so forth.

The second joke is the one wear the pirate walks into the bar with a ships wheel attached to the front o’ his trousers. The bartender asks, “What the hell is that ships wheel for?” The pirate says, “I don’t know, but it’s drivin’ me nuts!”

And finally. A little boy is trick or treatin’ on Halloween by himself. He is dressed as a pirate. At one house, a friendly man asks him, “Where are your buccaneers?” The little boy responds, “On either side o’ me ‘buccan’ head!”

And there ye have it. A symposium on pirate humor that’ll last ye a lifetime – so long as life is violent and short.

And singing some Pirate Carols, for which you can join me below the fold.

In the bleak days of nineteen-eighty-three, as England languished in the doldrums of a ruinous monetarist policy, the good and loyal men of the Permanent Assurance Company– a once-proud family firm, recently fallen in hard times– strained under the yoke of their oppressive new corporate management.

Pushed beyond the bounds of decent and reasonable victimisation, the aged retainers take their destiny in their own hands and– Mutiny!

And so, the Crimson Permanent Assurance was launched upon the high seas of international finance.

There it lay, the prize they sought, the richest jewel in the crown of the I.M.F.: a financial district swollen with multi-nationals, conglomerates, and fat, bloated merchant banks.

Hidden behind the faceless, towering canyons of glass, the world of high finance sat smug and self-satisfied as their future, in the shape of their past, slipped silently through the streets, returning to wreak a terrible revenge.

Adopting, adapting, and improving traditional business practices, the Permanent Assurance puts into motion an audacious and totally unsuspected takeover bid.

And so, heartened by their initial success, the desperate and reasonably violent men of the Permanent Assurance battled on… until, as the sun set slowly in the west, the outstanding return on their bold business venture became apparent: the once-proud financial giants lay in ruins, their assets stripped, their policies in tatters.

Full speed ahead, Mr. Cohen!

Up, up, up your premium. Up, up, up your premium.

Scribble away!

Up, up, up your premium.

And balance the books.

Up, up, up your premium.

Scribble away!

Up, up, up your premium.

But manage the books.

Up, up, up.

It’s fun to charter an accountant

And sail the wide accountancy,

To find, explore the funds offshore

And skirt the shoals of bankruptcy!

It can be manly in insurance.

We’ll up your premium semi-annually.

It’s all tax deductible.

We’re fairly incorruptible,

We’re sailing on the wide accountancy!

Sail away!

Up, up, up…

And so, they sailed off into the ledgers of history, one by one, the financial capitals of the world crumbling under the might of their business acumen,… or so it would have been… if certain modern theories concerning the shape of the world had not proved to be… disastrously wrong.

In order to affect a timely halt to deterioriating conditions, and to ensure the common good, a state of emergency is declared for these territories by decree of Lord Cutler Beckett, duly appointed representative of His Majesty, the King. By decree, according to martial law, the following statutes are temporarily amended: Right to assembly, suspended. Right to habeas corpus, suspended. Right to legal counsel, suspended. Right to verdict by a jury of peers, suspended. By decree, all persons found guilty of piracy, or aiding a person convicted of piracy, or associating with a person convicted of piracy, shall be sentenced to hang by the neck until dead.

Yo, ho, haul together, hoist the colors high.

Heave ho, thieves and beggars, never shall we die.

The king and his men stole the queen from her bed and bound her in her Bones.

The seas be ours and by the powers where we will we’ll roam.

Yo, ho, haul together, hoist the colors high.

Heave ho, thieves and beggars, never shall we die.

Some men have died and some are alive and others sail on the sea,

With the keys to the cage and the Devil to pay we lay to Fiddler’s Green!

The bell has been raised from it’s watery grave. Do you hear it’s sepulchral tone?

We are a call to all, pay head the squall and turn your sail toward home!

Yo, ho, haul together, hoist the colors high.

Heave ho, thieves and beggars, never shall we die.