If I have seemed preoccupied the last week or so, that has been because I had homework that required doing. I mean, I got to choose whether or not to do the assignment, but it was still homework. A student at the University of Central Arkansas asked if she could interview me via email as background for a paper she’s writing. She’s an Honors College student there.
Anyway, answering the ten questions she sent me became a task. I have completed that task and sent her my answers.
But it was a bit more emotionally taxing than I expected it to be, so I have decided to share it here as well.
Pain shared is lessened. Joy shared is increased.
It is also possibly the case that some of this is news to some of the membership here at Docudharma. One never knows. If you’ve not heard it before, it’s new to you.
What follows is what I sent her, with some html formatting added.
Upfront admission:
I try not to think about the days in which I transitioned much, because they are not fond memories. Investigating what I believed and how I perceived what was happening versus what other people thought about me or perceived to be happening is bound to be painful.
It is also the case that I was 44 then and now turn 60 eleven days.
I will therefore strive to write brief answers as dispassionately as I can maintain.
1. What was the mathematics department’s response to your decision?
The school had an official response. After that, there were individuals. I doubt if it is fair to characterize the opinions of a few as representing the beliefs of everyone.
The thing was that I was only allowed to “speak” officially by addressing the chair at the time, Chuck Seifert. Absolutely no direct communication with the administrators was allowed. I thought that was quite off-putting.
I was required to write a letter to my colleagues in the department. One of those colleagues decided that letter should be shared more widely, first to all faculty and staff at UCA, but shortly thereafter to the local churches and through them the local newspaper I did not perceive any of that to be a friendly gesture.
Here’s an essay I wrote about coming out: Coming Out…Way Out.
2. Do you have a copy of the letter/notice you sent to your colleagues that notified them of your decision?
Duly copied and pasted:
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Letter to my Colleagues
October 3, 1992
[Note: As I look back, I notice that I would not use some of the phrasing in this letter if I were to write it today. It reflects my lack of knowledge about and understanding about what it really means to be transsexual. Hence it is rather full of clichés. I didn’t know any better.]
Dear Colleague:
Most of you have already noticed some major changes in my personality during the past year or so. I have overheard comments from some sources that have been nothing more than poor guesses at my condition (“He’s gay.” “He’s crazy.” “He’s got AIDS.”) I would like at this time to explain why this has occurred in my life and what will likely occur in the future.
Nearly everyone knows or knows of someone that was born with a genetic disorder or defect. It is my personal belief that I was born with one also, although the medical community really has no clue to what causes my disorder. I suffer from “gender dysphoria:” roughly speaking, I born with the wrong physical body for my psychological gender. In the late ’50s I entered puberty and realized that the interior feelings I had didn’t coincide with the societal role my body was going to force on me. My parents, and society at that time, could not or would not accept someone with this problem. For the next 33 years I had to live a lie: I had to behave as if my interior self was not in any way at odds with my visible gender. I played sports, I dated, I did boy/man things. Later I met Becky and did more man things: I married and had a daughter. These last 24 years with Becky have been often painful, sometimes joyful, but ultimately frustrating. Becky is my best friend. There were times when she was my only friend. I regret that I could not be honest with her before we married, but that is the nature of denial, even culturally induced denial.
The older generations of my family have passed on and I no longer feel the oppressive burden of trying to please them. I must now try to please myself in the time I have left. I wish to be comfortable with myself in my remaining years. Therefore I plan to undergo hormonal therapy and have gender reassignment surgery to become physically female.
Some of you will be terribly uncomfortable with this decision. You may not be able to accommodate it into your world view, religion, or philosophy. I don’t wish to impose my problems on any of you. At the same time, I live to teach. I happen to believe that I’m a damn good teacher. Teaching is my means of affecting the lives of others. I don’t want to give up this career. The chances of obtaining employment elsewhere in a “new” position seem remote while I’m going through this process. It is a very expensive process (the major surgical procedure costs $10,000 to $12,000 and it is not likely to be covered by insurance). So I have to work. Since I have tenure here, I’ll work here unless or until other arrangements are made with the administration. Since all my friends live in this area, I don’t choose to leave it at this time.
Please try to understand that gender and sex are not the same thing. This has nothing to do with homosexuality (although that community has been supportive of me), nothing to do with pornography (although much of the information I can get on the subject has been classified as such), nothing to do with perversion. I have a medical problem that is going to be corrected. If any of you want to talk about this, feel free to drop by and see me.
(signed {new name})
[name]
To my female colleagues: One of the steps in the overall process is that I must live for a year “as a woman.” If anyone can explain what that means in today’s society, I would be interested in hearing your views.
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3. According to the University’s sexual harassment policy practiced at the time of stay at U.C.A., were there any problems/issues or concerns with fellow faculty members or staff or students?
I tried to bring up the question of sexual harassment at the time. I was assured it did not cover me, that whatever anyone chose to say to me or about me was a First Amendment issue. As far as my perception of how other people reacted to me on campus, I tried my best not to notice. My attitude then as well as now is that if people have a problem with me, it is their problem, not mine.
I believe that for most people who did have a problem, the problem was one of a religious nature. I tried to remember that. It was difficult to do on those occasions when my physical safety became an issue.
4. Were there any complaints made by you or fellow colleagues and how were they followed up?
Any complaints I made seemed to be ignored. I don’t know about complaints of others that may have been made to the administration. I know I was reprimanded once because I got upset in my office (nobody was there with me at the time and it was after hours), so someone must have complained about something.
Most of the complaints I heard were made by members of the community and or off-campus groups that used our facilities, especially FBLA and Boys State. My complaints against some of these people might be shown in this essay I wrote: These were the bad old days….
What hurt more than anything was my colleagues not offering to lend a hand to protect or defend me.
5. Were colleagues or student’s negative comments addressed?
I mostly heard about any of those second- or third-hand. I know that students were given the option of not having me as their teacher. I heard that other faculty members referred to when I “used to be a good teacher.” I doubt anyone who made that sort of statement was challenged by anyone else.
I took whatever opportunities that were presented to tell my side of events. That mostly consisted of speaking to student groups and the occasional class (honors and psychology, mostly). Other than the teachers of those classes and maybe a dorm supervisor or two, I don’t recall seeing any faculty or staff show up to one of my presentations or performances.
It is my belief that if my employer had made any comment whatsoever in support of me, my life would have been a lot better. But Win Thompson was president and there was a concerted effort not to employ GLBT faculty at the time.
6. Were any unwritten policies practiced regarding your use of women’s restrooms?
At the beginning I was not allowed to use a women’s restroom. My preference would have been to use the unisex bathroom in the radio station in the basement. But the school refused to give me a key so that I could do so as necessary. So I asked for access to the bathroom in the President’s Office, which was the only other private bathroom I knew of.
Since my office was on the top floor of Main, I was thereafter allowed to use the women’s restroom on that floor…and all women employees were warned that I would be doing so.
7. How is a transgender person’s experience in the workplace different from another person’s?
Most places a transgender person has to be worried about losing the job, since we have no protection against workplace discrimination (see essay: Employment Discrimination: Where do we go from here? At best we get to remain employed but are usually treated poorly. Shunning seems to be a favored activity.
I’ve spent a huge amount of effort since I transitioned trying to make sure the conditions I endured would not be repeated elsewhere. It is not up to me to judge whatever success there might have been in that or what my contribution to that success might have been.
8. Did your decision affect your job duties or ability to do your job?
I was rarely asked to perform any committee duties after I transitioned. I suppose that meant something.
I don’t believe transitioning altered my ability to teach. Other people who had never observed me teaching apparently disagreed.
When a person is suddenly treated with hostility by people, by her friends, family, coworkers, or community. there are bound to be profound effects. She may not be able to step back and analyze the situation with a balanced perspective.
9. Was your competence as a professor judged?
Of course it was. It appeared that I would have had to become at least twice as good at my job as I ever had been in order to be considered to be half as good. Before I transitioned I had been nominated for the Teaching Excellence award twice. Afterwards there was not a chance that was ever going to occur again.
I tried for several years to relocate to a less hostile environment. But there seemed to be little interest in a transsexual algebraist of my age and ability set.
10. You mentioned in one of your blog entries that your story reached the newspaper articles of several states. Does this include Arkansas newspapers and do you know the dates of those publications and/or happen to have copies of them?
I used to have a copy of the original story that appeared in the Log Cabin Democrat. I no longer seem to have it and do not remember the date of the article, but it was undoubtedly in early October, 1992. I agreed to an interview with their reporter after being told there would be an article whether or not I agreed to participate.
I was told that the article was reprinted in whole or in part in other newspapers, but did not observe that myself. I found it much safer to avoid local news. But I received phone calls from people in quite a few different bordering states, some supportive and some quite aggressive, who told me they heard about me through the news.
The Demozette published a version just a couple of days after the LCD, I was told. Almost immediately every transsexual woman in Arkansas was asked if they were me…which was rather uncomfortable. The story also became the subject of drive-time radio, I was told. I didn’t tune in.
People also told me in the following years that my transition was reported in gay newspapers in Los Angeles and Washington, DC. I never searched to see if that was true. I basically thought it would be better if I did not know what was being said.