Tag: The Stars Hollow Gazette

I used to golf quite a bit when I was a kid.  My Granddad was a demon golfer and made sure I got a set of hand-me-down clubs.  I had a couple of friends who were equally as bad as I and there was a municipal course where the greens fees were not terrifically expensive so we’d go out about 2 or 3 times a week.

Usually we’d get dropped off and picked up but this particular time me and my buddy decided that after our round we’d walk to my Mom’s school which was about 3 or 4 par fives away.

About half the route was along a semi major road with a lot of traffic and because we were both huge M*A*S*H fans (not just the movie and TV series, but the book) we decided we’d have a little fun.

It was April like it is now so we dressed up in out best plus fours and driving caps and made a sign saying-

Spikes on, thumbs out, we proceeded to hitchhike.

Nobody stopped, but as is usual with my more elaborate sight gags I did have dialog prepared-

Hi.  I’m the Pro from Dover and this is the Ghost of Smokey Joe.  We just came from Dr. Yamamoto’s Finest Kind Pediatric Hospital & Whorehouse and we’re headed for The Masters’.  Could you give us a lift?

My Elementary School days were not entirely a bloody minded, Lord of the Flies, struggle for existence.  As a matter of fact I had a good relationship with most of my teachers and classmates.

I was a favorite of my third grade teacher because I called her out on bats using Radar (not unless you microwave them).  My first grade teacher I’m eternally grateful to since she helped me decode those symbols behind the shutters at the beginning of Popeye cartoons.

My second grade teacher was an air head, but a fox; and that was also the year my most precocious classmate started developing (I also discovered Nathaniel Greene, it was a big year).

But that’s not the story I want to tell tonight.

Much to my surprise it’s been a little over 10 years since I stopped smoking again, which is a long time for me.

My last relapse started at a High School reunion where so intimidated was I by the pressure of comparing my life to my dreams that I practically tore open the cigarette machine for a pack of Merits after about 2 years of quit.

Interestingly enough, at least to me, precocious girl was right beside me and we had a good time out in the “smoking lounge” (a place I never inhabited in High School).

Stars Hollow is a small town actually.  Hadn’t seen her for years until a few months ago when I needed some new glasses and there she was.

So what are you doing now ek?

Well, I blog.

I’ve only ever hit anybody twice.

That is I did it the two times.

Oddly enough it was the same guy, in the same spot, for the same reason.

And it had exactly the same effect.

The first time was in third grade.  He was an asshole bully, which was kind of odd considering he was a four eyed fat kid or maybe it was an expression of that, whatever.

He pushed me too far and I popped him one right between the eyes and broke his glasses.  Game over dude.

He tried it again in fifth grade, idiot.

Now of course I’m much more grown up and sophisticated.  Hitting someone in the head is stupid, you’ll break your hands unless you use a tool like a two by four.  You should aim for the kidneys or kick them in the groin.

But best of all is to back off and plot your revenge in private.

Then serve it cold.

My name is Roger Smith. I perform a much needed job here in this city of amnesia.

Frequently in The Stars Hollow Gazette I wander down the lanes of my memory to dredge up a tidbit or two for your amusement.

Recently digby and Greenwald point out that no city on earth is as anxious to forget the past as Washington D.C.

Why is that do you suppose?

You can listen to it here.

No force can stand before love, not and be untouched.

So yesterday I mentioned that I life guarded at the most dangerous natural swimming hole in town.  I should temper that by saying that in mumblety-mumble years of life guarding I can only recall 2 times when any sort of rescue demanded my attention at all, both at a world class ultra modern Olympic caliber pool.

The first one scared the crap out of me.  A little kid, about 6 or 7 was screwing around on the lip of the pool and had one leg slip into the gutter and fell down.  I was sure I’d be dealing with a broken leg if not teeth sprayed out like Chiclets and a concussion.  Kid bounced up almost before I could get to him, giggled, and ran back to his mom.

Hey!  No running on deck!

The other time I was in the chair when some poor kids came in.  I know they were poor because one of them couldn’t afford a bathing suit, only a t-shirt and a bathing cap.  None of them could swim very well but they were staying by the side of the pool and not in any danger that I could see when my supervisor dove in and “rescued” the one with the t-shirt.

Personally I think it was simply for swimming while poor.

And if you happen to think that was icky you never had to deal with the severely learning disabled kids crapping their suits during lessons.  What the hell do you think the chlorine is for?

I haven’t quite gotten to my dangerous swimming hole yet but it will have to wait for another installment while I leave you with this story-

I once worked an outdoor pool in a park where, when people weren’t trying to climb the razor wire after dark, the drunks would amuse themselves by tossing their beer bottles over it so that they would shatter on the edge of the deck and spray the broken glass in the bottom.  The Budweiser and Heineken weren’t so bad, but you really had to look out for the Miller.

When I was younger I used to go to camp in the summer.

It was a sleep over camp and as you got older your living conditions got progressively more primitive.  It’s kind of creepy to think about living in a hut with only 3 walls.  I suppose actually it was so they could keep closer track of us.

There were all kinds of activities you could pick and choose from, like Arts and Crafts (enamel work is kind of fun) and Tennis (I suck).  Being a swimmer of some accomplishment I gravitated toward waterfront activities like Boating (Row Boats), Canoeing, and Sailing (Sunfish).

My first boating experience was not very successful.  I drew the one with open oarlocks and having no clue on how to work them the oars kept popping out.  I’d call it a cruel joke on the counselor’s part except that they were pretty much given out on a first come first served basis.

The most desirable ones in my eyes were the open ones with pins through the oars because I didn’t like bothering with feathering.  As I got into the advanced classes of course I had to demonstrate my mastery of the technique, but to this day I prefer the pinned ones if only for the fact that you don’t have to deal with the locks slipping down to the blade.

Likewise the Sunfish were tricky too.  The lake was pretty much in a bowl and when you got in the lee of the hills and trees there was no telling which direction the wind would come from and you’d usually end up rowing yourself out with the tiller.  One amenity they had that I missed later in life with my family’s own Sailfish was a beach to run the boat up on when you were done so you could stay dry (unless you capsized of course).  We don’t have much of a beach at the Lake House so we have to moor the boat.  You swim or you don’t sail.

I also took some of the advanced swimming courses like snorkeling.  The big payoff for successfully completing that is they had a surface compressor with a face mask and tube that would let you go about as deep as the lake got.  I never really got a chance to use it though, the mask didn’t fit me very well and I couldn’t deal with the water pouring in from the sides.

Another thing I never did was the Gold swim.  If you were a good enough swimmer that they didn’t need to worry about you much you got a green tag to put up on the buddy board, but if you were especially ambitious several times a summer they’d take you out to a big sloping rock at one end of the lake and have you swim behind a Row Boat out to a stripe they had painted on a cliff face about a mile away.  If you made it you got a Gold tag.

Special huh?

Monster swimmers would go for double and triple Gold (not nearly as cool because all you got was a white tag with a 2 or a 3 on it), but I never tried it at all even though I’d do swim practices in the winter that were up to 10 miles long when our coach was feeling particularly sadistic after we lost a meet.

I’ve just never liked swimming in open water that much.  The darkness of it and not being able to see the bottom gives me the sensation of falling and I have terrible acrophobia.  It’s kind of odd than when I was life guarding I’d get assigned to the most dangerous of the two natural water parks in town instead of any of the 5 pools.  Oh well, at least I could shack up with my girl friend after work.

White House wants changes in executive pay rules

By DOUGLASS K. DANIEL, Associated Press Writer

2 hrs 18 mins ago

WASHINGTON – Facing a stricter approach to limiting executive bonuses than it had favored, the Obama administration wants to revise that part of the stimulus package even after it becomes law, White House officials said Sunday.

While President Barack Obama plans to sign the $787 billion stimulus bill in Denver on Tuesday, his administration will seek changes in the government’s approach to executive compensation, senior Obama adviser David Axelrod said.

“We all have the same goal. We all have the same sentiment. And we want to do something that’s workable, and we’ll work with them to get to that point,” Axelrod said on “Fox News Sunday.”

Citi, M. Stanley may pay $3 billion to keep brokers: report

Reuters

Fri Feb 13, 10:11 pm ET

NEW YORK (Reuters) – Morgan Stanley (MS.N) and Citigroup Inc (C.N) are preparing to pay $3 billion of retention awards to brokers to keep them from fleeing a brokerage joint venture, the Wall Street Journal said on Friday, citing people familiar with the matter.

Terms are not expected until later this month, but the issue could grow politically sensitive because the government has injected money into both companies, the newspaper said.

Morgan Stanley is paying Citigroup $2.7 billion to take control of the joint venture, which will combine its brokerage operation with Citigroup’s Smith Barney unit.

In defence of bonuses: experts warn on banker pay caps

by Katherine Haddon, AFP

Sat Feb 14, 10:47 pm ET

LONDON (AFP) – From Britain to the United States and France, political leaders are clamping down on the bankers’ bonus culture they say helped cause the credit crunch — but some experts warn this could be counterproductive.

The screw-tightening comes amid public fury at big payouts — thousands of people have joined groups on the Facebook Internet site with names like “Bankers Are Leaches”, “Impudence: The Act Of UBS Bank” and “No Ifs, No Buts — Give Up The Bonus, RBS.”

But taking too tough a line with banks could have unintended consequences for taxpayers according to academics and insiders, who say the risks include banks losing their best staff and their share prices falling even lower.

Merkel slams bonuses at bailed out banks: report

AFP

Sat Feb 14, 10:40 am ET

BERLIN (AFP) – German Chancellor Angela Merkel hit out at banks that have doled out bonuses to executives despite having received government aid to weather the global financial crisis.

“It’s incomprehensible that, in several cases, banks that have benefited from the support of the state distribute huge bonuses at the same time,” Merkel told Der Spiegel magazine in an interview to be published Monday.

Bank bonuses will be on the agenda at the meeting of the Group of 20 advanced and developing nations in London in April.

Merkel does not rule out nationalising Germany’s HRE bank

AFP

Sun Feb 15, 5:15 pm ET

BERLIN (AFP) – German Chancellor Angela Merkel said she had not ruled out nationalising the troubled Hypo Real Estate (HRE) bank as a last resort, during a television interview Sunday.

What ever happened, she wanted the state to have a majority stake in the bank, she told Germany’s ZDF public channel.

“We can get that by taking control by means of a majority stake” in the shares, she added.