Tag: sausage grinder of snark

It’s a real word, it means third to last.

I suppose I ought to be writing brilliant little essays about Jon and what he’s meant to me personally and my career (such as it is) as a blogger, but that’s too hard and I’m too tired and besides- I’m already maximally depressed by the prospect and I understand the great hidden mystery of continuity.

It was just a matter of knowing the secret of all television: at the end of the episode, everything is back to normal.

And I like it.  Why do you think I’m in therapy?  You know how long February 2nd lasts?  Thirty four years.

Bree Newsome

What makes you think we’re not going to talk about Cos tonightly?  The panel is Kerry Coddett, Sunny Hostin, and Mike Yard.

Discontinuity

First they came for our team names, and I said nothing

This week’s guests-

• Monday 7/20: Paul Rudd
• Tuesday 7/21: Barack Obama
• Wednesday 7/22: Jake Gyllenhaal
• Thursday 7/23: Ta-Nehisi Coates

Paul Rudd will be on to talk about Ant Man which I’m given to understand is modest and quirky for a Marvel movie, though I wouldn’t feel compelled to fork out $14 just so I could set up Captain America: Civil War.

The real news (Donald Trump) below.

Soul Daddy

Tonightly, Bree Newsome, remover of the Battle Flag of the Army of Northern Virginia from the South Carolina Confederacy display.  Should be fun.  The panel will be Holly Walker, Rory Albanese, Mike Yard, and Ricky Valez.

Continuity

17, 18, …

Next week repeats.  Week after that pre-empted.  Regular shows resume July 20th which leaves scant time before Jon’s departure.

Not quite sure what I’m going to do, maybe I’ll follow Shark Week (just kidding).

Sarah Vowell is actually the Senior Historical Context Correspondent for The Daily Show, so she’s no doubt on to announce she’s starting a new project and won’t be appearing anymore followed by a tearful retrospective as we wonder just exactly what Trevor Noah will have left to work with when he takes over.

On the other hand she may just want to talk about reprising her role as Violet in Incredibles 2 (in production for 2016 release).

In other news Amy Schumer confirms she had serious discussions with Jon about hosting, but decided that the workload was too onerous and the role not well suited for the direction she wants to take her art.

Sigh.

Kirsten Gillibrand’s 2 part web exclusive extended interview and the real news below.

Handsome Ape Update

If there is Facebook in the afterlife, you are in hell.

Tonightly we will be talking about Church burnings.  Remember, because this is a war against the Christian faith in general, the fact that the congregations of these Churches is overwhelmingly African American has no relevance whatsoever.

Right.

The panel is Jim Gaffigan, Cenk Uygur, and Kerry Coddett.

Continuity

Mad as a Hatter

This week’s guests-

• Wednesday 7/1: Kirsten Gillibrand
• Thursday 7/2: Sarah Vowell

You have every reason to mistrust Kirsten Gillibrand.  Her donations from pro-TPP groups was second only to – wait for it – Mitch McConnell.  He got $8.2 million, she got $6.2 million.

Despite that she voted against TPA, so… points for her I guess.

She’ll be on to promote her new ghostwritten by her writer and Hillary Clinton’s writer book- Off the Sidelines: Speak Up, Be Fearless, and Change Your World

The real news below.

Haterade

Tonightly who knows?  We may be stuck on the Rainbow Ruling or we could talk about the fat petty dictator of New Jersey.  Our panelists are Alona Minkovski, Chris DiStefano, and Boy George.

Continuity

Today is some of the darkest 24 hours in our nation’s history

This week’s guests-

• Tuesday 6/30: Jon Hamm
• Wednesday 7/1: Kirsten Gillibrand
• Thursday 7/2: Sarah Vowell

I was about to say that Jon Hamm was just another unemployed SAG member like Jon (Stewart) but as it turns out he does some voiceover work in Minions.

The real news below.

Something that’s been clear for a very long time now

Tonightly It’s Big Gay Monday with the New York City Gay Chorus-

Our panelists are Janet Mock, Jordan Carlos, and Guy Branum.

Continuity

Religion and Science are not contradictory

This week’s guests-

• Monday 6/29: Taylor Schilling
• Tuesday 6/30: Jon Hamm
• Wednesday 7/1: Kirsten Gillibrand
• Thursday 7/2: Sarah Vowell

Taylor Schilling is best known for her work in Orange is the New Black, but if you’re not a Netflix subscriber you’ve never seen it.  Do not forget however that she was also Dagny Taggart in Atlas Shrugged: Part I.

Richard Lewis’s web exclusive extended interview and the real news below.

Cray

Tonightly Robin Thede will be on to reveal a new White House strategy.  Our panel will be Horatio Sanz, Reza Aslan, and Mike Yard.

Continuity

Jessica Williams

Next week’s guests-

• Monday 6/29: Taylor Schilling
• Tuesday 6/30: Jon Hamm
• Wednesday 7/1: Kirsten Gillibrand
• Thursday 7/2: Sarah Vowell

Richard Lewis is on to talk about his new book, Reflections From Hell: Richard Lewis’ Guide on How Not to Live.

The real news below.

California is too dry!

Tonightly?  Who knows, but the panel is Talib Kweli Greene, David Alan Grier, and Bonnie McFarlane.

As a bonus though, you get Poppa Pope-

Continuity

Today Bobby Jindal, tomorrow Chris Christe and Scott Walker!

Still sure you want to quit Jon?

This week’s guests-

• Wednesday 6/24: Andrew Napolitano
• Thursday 6/25: Richard Lewis

Andrew Napolitano will be on to rave about whatever lunacy he’s into today.

Seth MacFarlane’s web exclusive extended interview and the real news below.

You stop being racist and I’ll stop talking about it.

Tonightly, the Battle Flag of the Army of Northern Virginia with our panel Joe Morton, Naomi Ekperigin, and Rory Albanese.

OK let me break it down, there were 3 official flags of the Confederate States of America.  The first was the Stars and Bars that had a Blue Canton with one White Star for each State (varying from 7 to 13) in a circle, superimposed on a field of 3 horizontal Stripes- Red, White, and Red.  That one was used from 1861 to 1863.  The second was the Stainless Banner which had a Canton based on the Battle Flag of the Army of Northern Virginia superimposed on an all White field.  That one was used until spring of 1865 when they added a broad Vertical Red Stripe opposite the Canton on the field because several officers complained that it looked too much like a White Flag of Surrender.  The last one is called the Blood Stained Banner ironically.

So these jackasses are not only racists, they’re morons.

Continuity

Too True

This week’s guests-

• Tuesday 6/23: Seth MacFarlane
• Wednesday 6/24: Andrew Napolitano
• Thursday 6/25: Richard Lewis

Seth MacFarlane will be talking about Ted 2 which you might like if you liked Ted.  It strikes me as a total waste of time and money not just for the audience but also everyone involved including craft services.

Al Franken’s 2 part web exclusive extended interview and the real news below.

You stop being racist and I’ll stop talking about it.

Tonightly Obama drops the N-bomb.  Our panel is Gayle King, Riki Lindhome, and Jordan Carlos.

Continuity

If you haven’t seen this yet, you really should.

This week’s guests-

• Monday 6/22: Al Franken
• Tuesday 6/23: Seth MacFarlane
• Wednesday 6/24: Andrew Napolitano
• Thursday 6/25: Richard Lewis

Al Franken is kind of a disappointment to me.  I’ve met him personally exactly once at a reception to promote his candidacy and he’s funny as you might imagine and doesn’t give off the same sellout weasel vibe that radiates from Joe Lieberman like the heat from a baking, humid parking lot when you open an air conditioned door, the kind that smacks you in the face from 20 feet away.

On the other hand he’s bad on Intellectual Property, not so good on trade, fair to middling on most everything else, and pretty ok on Foreign Policy and Drone Assassination, Domestic Surveillance, and Torture.

So there are worse Senators, but there are better ones too.  Feel the Bern.

What do you want?  Blood?

Is tonightly another bag o’ grab?  Nope, Charleston.  The panel is Joaquin Castro, Christina Greer, and Mike Yard.

Continuity

More important than a blue dress.

Next week’s guests-

• Monday 6/22: Al Franken
• Tuesday 6/23: Seth MacFarlane
• Wednesday 6/24: Andrew Napolitano
• Thursday 6/25: Richard Lewis

Well, if you were disappointed or upset that the 2013 Nobel Peace Prize went to the Organisation for the Prohibition of Chemical Weapons for that little thing about keeping the U.S. out of Syria which is still a good idea despite the brain damaged warhawks in D.C. you need not have worried because at 17 Malala Yousafzai continues to be the youngest recipient ever even though she had to wait an extra year.  I kind of think we should have waited a year or so in 2009 in retrospect.

Anyway she’s back and her recent awards are a Grammy for Best Children’s Album and an asteroid that has been named after her.

Bill Clinton’s three (count ’em, 3!) part web exclusive extended interview and the real news below.

You know, in Euchre you declare trump with the first card you play.  If you’re interested I’ll teach you how to keep score with just a deuce and a trey.

Tonightly Alexandra Wentworth, Jamil Smith and Holly Walker plus a Surprise.

Continuity

Arby’s

Oh baby.  I was just flirting.  You know there’s nothing that can approach your stringy, fatty beef sliced so thin you can read through it, your soft mushy bun to suck up the horrible barbecue sauce at your sticky condiment bar or that orange cheese food product you sell for a buck a slice.  I pray every day you will invade more highway rest stops with your third rate fries and drive the evil (and he is evil, did you ever take a look at him?) flame broiled King from the land along with his maniacal clown side-kick.  Not even fatty little sausages fondling around a pool of greasy ketchup can compare.  Unlike Jon I appreciate your laxitive qualities on long trips where I’ll admit, I have a tendency to get a little bound up by strange food and water and hours and hours and hours of sitting.  A sleepless night on a neat and sanitized (that’s what the paper strip says and who am I to judge?) throne is a small price to pay for your purgative charms.

I love you babe.

This week’s guests-

• Wednesday 6/17: Bill Clinton
• Thursday 6/18: Malala Yousafzai

Woof, woof.  There are a lot of things to hate Bill Clinton for, but a blue dress ain’t one of them.  I’m loathe to think this may be the last “get” interview Jon books, but it’s not a bad one.  There will be web exclusive extended (probably 2 parts) for sure.

But you know Jon, if you can’t have Hil maybe you can give Bernie a spin.  Only 10 points behind in the first real primary (New Hampshire, I’m thinking of doing a special remote) and moving up in South Carolina (I’m sorry, nothing can persuade me to spend a minute more in South Carolina than I need to visit Pedro).

Aziz Ansari’s web exclusive extended interview and the real news below.

It seems strange in a way because I have ten fingers (or I did before that tragic snowblower accident) and computers count in binary or quaternary or octal or hexidecimal which means 6+10 which is the number of fingers I used to have (I mean 10, to count to 16 I had to take off my shoes.  Oh, frostbite.  Why do you think I needed the snowblower?).

Dazed and confused

Tonightly Lewis Black!  You know, I don’t even care who the rest of the panel is or what they’ll be talking about.

Continuity

Zebra

Wheat… lots of wheat… fields of wheat… a tremendous amount of wheat…

This week’s guests-

• Tuesday 6/16: Aziz Ansari
• Wednesday 6/17: Bill Clinton
• Thursday 6/18: Malala Yousafzai

Aziz Ansari will be talking about his new book, Modern Romance: An Investigation, about how technology has changed our romantic relationships.

Ladies, if you’re not imagining a pimply Cheeto stained teenager blogging from Mom’s basement in their pajamas I’ve given you entirely the wrong impression and I deeply and sincerely apologize.

Why did I just send you an emoji of a pizza?  It’s very simple, there is no emoji for Combos which I think is a billion dollar idea right up there with Facebook.  No, really, think of it.  I could just sit here in the basement designing branded emojis for multi-mega nationals in my pajamas (umm… I would be the one in pajamas, not the elephant) brushing the crumbs off my orange stained keyboard.

But to save time and effort I think I’ll let you do it and sic my DCMA copyright troll lawyers on you after you make some money.

Judd Apatow’s web exclusive extended interview and the real news below.