Tag: sausage grinder of snark

Jun 16 2015

The Daily/Nightly Show (Still no Thursday)

You know, there’s nothing wrong with being gay.

Being a self hating misogynist…

Talking about self hating, tonightly Rachel Dolezal with our panel of Natasha Leggerro, Killer Mike, and Robin Thede.

Continuity

Marian

Look, I… I may not be an explorer, or an adventurer, or a treasure-seeker, or a gunfighter, Mr. O’Connell, but I am proud of what I am.

And what is that?

I… am a librarian.

Next week’s guests-

Judd Apatow is probably on to talk about Trainwreck unless, of course, he’s on to talk about children’s tv stars jerking off in porn theaters.

I’ll have to tell you about my friend the clown’s six months in stir and the best pickup line ever sometime (c’mon, he was totally innocent and the only relevance the line has is that it’s the best one ever and helps explain why he was innocent because if you have a line like that you pretty much don’t need anything else).

Oh, how it connects (I’m told I’m sometimes obscure).  He had a really fine bicycle.

What?  This makes perfect sense.

The real news below.

Jun 12 2015

The Daily/Nightly Show (Hulk? Smash!)

Lady Madonna

Lady Viagra

Tonightly Lincoln Chafee one on one.  Also Lindsey Graham’s chances with the panel Vince Staples, Gina Yashere, and Mike Yard.

Continuity

The Grey Lady

Next week’s guests-

Puny God

That’s my secret.  I’m just this big cuddly green rage monster.  Mark Ruffalo is such a vast improvement that it’s hard to remember Eric Bana.

Actually I’m more a DC Guy and specifically The Dark Night.

How does it feel to be the only member of The Justice League without superpowers?

Don’t.  Need.  Them.

Film has not been kind to DC though I look forward to treatments of Jack Kirby’s The New Gods and Darkseid.  Arrow and Flash are kind of decent however and Felicity Smoak definitely has this Bailey Quarters hotness thing happening (I am not Spock), but I could work with her and be her friend.

In my last session with my therapist she asked me, in all sincerity, if I ever identified as ek hornbeck.  I was put in mind of Batman Beyond, Shriek, where the villian tries to torment Wayne into suicide.  At the end of the episode Terry McGuiness asks how Bruce was able to tell the voice inside his head wasn’t real.

“That’s not what I call myself.”

Seriously, I’m a ticking time bomb and it’s best to be someplace else ‘Tasha or you might remember Budapest quite differently.

The real news below.

Jun 11 2015

The Daily/Nightly Show (Politically Correct)

Rumsfeld

Continuity

The Hills Are Alive, With The Sound Of Anschluss

This week’s guests-

I’ve expressed some reprehensible sentiments, offensive opinions, and hurtful statements.

And I meant every last one of them.

I regret nothing.  The good.  The bad.  It’s all the same.

Colin Quinn thinks Jerry Seinfeld is a thin skinned asshole.

Colin Quinn rebukes Jerry Seinfeld’s P.C. police theory – much to the disappointment of “Fox & Friends”

by Scott Eric Kaufman, Salon

Wednesday, Jun 10, 2015 01:35 PM EST

Quinn disputed Seinfeld’s theory that this “creepy PC thing” is a new phenomenon, telling co-host Brian Kilmeade that “it’s been out there since the ’90s.” He added that the same thing happens at comedy clubs, when a comedian says a particular “buzzword” and the audience loudly inhales.

There have always been “a million different [buzzwords] depending on where you are,” he said.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck tried to compel Quinn to admit that the problem of political correctness is getting worse, but he wouldn’t take the bait. “Do you feel that you’re being more and more restricted in your art, your profession, and what you do, and your freedom?”

“No,” he replied. “The whole point of being a comedian is that you’re not supposed to – we don’t listen to the crowd. We need the crowd, but what’s more insulting than someone who panders to the crowd? That’s the worst thing you can be in comedy, somebody who comes out and says, ‘Hey! I want to make everybody happy!’ That’s not our job. Our job is to make people unhappy.”

Steve Doocy continued to press the Fox News narrative of PC ascension, asking Quinn “what has changed? It used to be people could take a joke, but now it’s like people have no sense of humor.”

“Look,” Quinn said, “people still have a sense of humor, but it depends on where you’re coming from. You can’t just [throw your hands in the air] and say, ‘it’s just jokes,’ because it’s not a free pass.”

“Were we better then or now?” Kilmeade finally asked.

“There’s no ‘better,'” Quinn replied. “Now, people are trying to regulate humanity, and there’s good and bad there. It’s not like things were great then, either.”

The real news below.

Jun 10 2015

The Daily/Nightly Show (Expect? Oh yes, expect.)

You stop being racist and I’ll stop talking about it.

He always wanted a pool

Well, in the end, he got himself a pool.

Tonightly we’ll be talking about Prison Breaks.  Our panel will be Jeff Ross, Mike Yard, and Lola Ogunnaike.

Continuity

[assault swim]

This week’s guests-

Nick Offerman will be on to talk about Me & Earl & the Dying Girl which is apparently just as depressing as the title would suggest.

The first ten million years were the worst.  And the second ten million years, they were the worst too.  The third ten million years I didn’t enjoy at all.  After that I went into a bit of a decline.

The best conversation I had was over forty million years ago and that was with a coffee machine.

Marvin is the clearest thinker I know.

Nicola Sturgeon’s 2 part web exclusive extended interview and the real news below.

Jun 09 2015

The Daily/Nightly Show (Raibeart Bruis)

Security Theater

Tonightly the topic is Theodore Giselle’s 1929 racist cartoon.  The panel is Seaton Smith, Frank Luntz, and Bonnie McFarlane.

Continuity

John Hodgeman

This week’s guests-

Nicola Sturgeon is the Scots First Minister and the leader of the Scottish National Party.  Though they lost in Independence referendum in 2014, the SNP under Ms. Sturgeon’s direction scored a landmark 56 of 59 total seats in the English Parliament in 2015.  Ms. Sturgeon has announced she’ll direct her Party to hamper further Conservative attacks on Social Safety Net program and to hold David Cameron’s feet to the fire to deliver on his promises of Scots autonomy.

In an interesting controversy, it was alleged during the 2015 campaign in a leaked memo that Ms. Sturgeon had, in conversation with the French Ambassador, said that she preferred a Cameron victory.  This memo was proven to be entirely fabricated by Scottish Secretary Alistair Carmichael who was forced to resign.

Ms. Sturgeon is a member of the Scots Parliament only and is not seated in The House of Commons.

The real news below.

Jun 05 2015

The Daily/Nightly Show (6-5000)

I’d love to show you a Larry Wilmore clip but they’re not posted yet.  The Nightly Show has the suckiest and laziest web directors ever.

Even for Comedy Central.

Thursday Nightly Grab O’ Bag (in other words pretty much what they’ve been doing all week.

Continuity

Minaj on Paranoid Style

Next week’s guests-

Steve Buscemi might be on to talk about Hotel Transylvania 2, but he’s probably just going to pay tribute to Jon and yuck it up.

The real news below.

Jun 04 2015

The Daily/Nightly Show (Sookie St. James)

Baltimore

You stop being racist and I’ll stop talking about it.

Tonightly’s panel is Dan St. Germain, Jo Koy, and Kristina Wong.  Topics?  We don’t need no stinking topics, but it might be about The whitewashing of Allison Ng.

Continuity

The Definition of Insanity

This week’s guests-

Melissa McCarthy is  probably on to talk about her new film Spy, but she recently had an encounter with a critic who was hung up on her appearance-

“Would you do this to a man?”: Melissa McCarthy destroys sexist reporter who called her “hideous”

by Colin Gorenstein, Salon

Thursday, May 21, 2015 05:02 PM EST

Turning the tables on the reporter, McCarthy asked him, “Would you do that to a man?”

…

McCarthy then dug into the reporter’s personal life, asking if he had children or, God-forbid, a daughter. How would you feel if your daughter came home one day saying that she didn’t get a job because she was considered unattractive, the actress urged the reporter to consider. That’s when McCarthy said she saw a look of recognition flash across his face.

“I said, ‘Just know every time you write stuff, every young girl in this country reads that and they just get a little bit chipped away,'” she said. “I just think we tear down women in this country for all of these superficial reasons and women are so great and strong. And I really think he heard that. The writer was really loving and you could tell he was a loving father. I think that it’s a bad habit that we’ve gotten into, and it’s not that people are malicious. I just think it’s so easy to take a swipe. Just go the other way; build it up.”

Bill de Blasio’s 2 part web exclusive extended interview and the real news below.

Jun 03 2015

The Daily/Nightly Show (Citoyens, vouliez-vous une révolution sans révolution?)

The aim of constitutional government is to preserve the Republic; that of revolutionary government is to lay its foundation.

Buh-bye Sepp.  So long Denny.

Slavery Day

You stop being racist and I’ll stop talking about it.

Just in case you don’t get it, slavery is bad.

So Is Child Molesting

Tonightly our panelists are Marc LaMont Hill, Jamilah Lemieux, and Godfrey.  I have no idea what we’ll be talking about, but I’m guessing it’s not Sepp Blatter’s resignation or the prospects of Team USA in Group D (of Death) in the Women’s World Cup.

Continuity

Spring Cleaning

This week’s guests-

Bill de Blasio tonight.  Mayor and all.  I feel that in some respects he’s been a profound disappointment, TMC is willing to give him a chance and since she lives there and is usually much more radical than I (I still believe in quaint things like rule of Senate procedure and the utility of the Electoral College if you can make it work for you) I’m willing to reserve judgement for now.  Should be a patty cake interview, he’s exactly the kind of moderate liberal Jon loves.

La terreur n’est autre chose que la justice prompte, sévère, inflexible; elle est donc une émanation de la vertu; elle est moins un principe particulier, qu’une conséquence du principe général de la démocratie, appliqué aux plus pressants besoins de la patrie.

McChrystal off not a moment too soon, no extended at all, lying bastard.  The real news below.

Jun 02 2015

The Daily/Nightly Show (Friendly Fire)

FIFA

Women’s World Cup starting soon.  Just as with Basketball the ladies’ game is far more entertaining than the men’s pointless running about.

Tonightly your guess is as good as mine, but the panelists are Christian Finnegan, Jenny Loeffler, Christiane Amanpour, and Jordan Carlos.

Continuity

Sad when the only real Democrat isn’t

This week’s guests-

Stanley McChrystal is just another failed Syraqistan General.  What makes him particularly odious is his direct involvement in the Pat Tillman scandal.  I can think of people with less demonstrated understanding of the Middle East and the United States military to put on the air, but not many of them.  He should be rotting in Spandau with the rest of the war criminals.  Yale students are wasting their trust funds if they listen to a single word he says because what is not a deliberate lie is an ignorant misunderstanding.

Special Matt Harvey web exclusive extended interview and the real news below.

May 29 2015

The Daily/Nightly Show (Let’s Go Mets!)

Stroking Out

You stop being racist and I’ll stop talking about it.

Thursday nightly mishmash.  The panel is Abbi Jacobson, Ilana Glazer, and Ricky Valez.

Continuity

The Great Green Arkleseizure

Next week’s guests-

Matt Harvey pitches tomorrow.  The Mets (a passion I share with Jon) are doing surprisingly well in a bad division, one and a half games behind the Nats at 27 and 21 on a 3 game winning streak.

Putting on his most dismal Adam Rickman voice, I’m sure it will all end horribly.

The real news below.

May 28 2015

The Daily/Nightly Show (No Such Thing As A Retired Marine)

This is the Cleveland Show

Yes, there actually is a land of the Cleves.

Tonightly- The Duggars! (well, maybe).  Our super secret guest Bobby Cannavale and our panel is Jermaine Fowler, Constance Zimmer, and Sabrina Jalees.

Continuity

No Such Agency

This week’s guests-

Rosabeth Moss Kanter is a Harvard professor of economics but maybe not as bad as most because her specialty is utopian communities where she finds that those that the demand the greatest sacrifice and discipline are the longest lasting.

I’d ask you maggots to drop and give me 20 except that’s fatiguing to even watch and requires too much commitment from your faithful bard who’s only spent 10 years educating.  Have a good time instead, go or stay, my job is not to transform but merely amuse or perhaps inspire.

Anyway she’ll be on talking about her latest book, Move: Putting America’s Infrastructure Back in the Lead, which is unsurprisingly about public transportation, especially rail, but also covers our deteriorating roads and bridges.

Rand Paul’s surprisingly uncrazy 2 part web exclusive interview and the real news below.

May 27 2015

The Daily/Nightly Show (Crucial Delay)

Mad Men

Who knows what the topic is but on the panel are- Felonius Munk, Mike Yard, and Rashida Jones.

Continuity

Godwin!

This week’s guests-

Rand Paul should be on just long enough to hit what Charlie Pierce calls the Sanity Limit.  You listen to Rand for about 5 minutes and nod your head and say, ‘that makes sense.’

And then he says something totally insane.

Rand is the epitome of a mixed bag of nuts, but he did something really valuable recently that many people dismissed at the time and still don’t understand or give him credit for, and that is of course his 10 and a half hour mini-filibuster against the USA Free-dumb Act and straight up extension of the Patriot Act.

These people are down on him because his filibuster was short and didn’t look at all like Jimmy Stewart in Mr. Smith (which is in some ways about Jimmy’s psychological disintegration).  What they don’t realize is that it was exactly long enough to delay the business of the Senate so that when it did come up the choice was between the House proposal and nothing.

Fortunately we ended up with nothing since the House Bill is terrible and Obama (who has not sought a last gasp further 90 day authorization as far as we know) and the NSA have been forced to start shutting down the mass spying program.

So yay Rand!  Credit where due.  Now, about the market disciplining bigots.

Rebel Wilson’s web exclusive extended interview and the real news below.

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