Tag: snark

OKLAHOMA CITY (FNS)-After an exhaustive 18-month investigation, FNS is able to exclusively report that, contrary to popular opinion, Oklahoma’s controversial State Question 755, which is intended to prevent State courts from considering Shari’a law when making legal decisions, was intended to counter an effort already underway to impose such a legal code on the citizens of the State, perhaps as soon as this fall.

Amazingly, the effort to impose Islamic law involves some of Oklahoma’s most prominent business leaders, the National Basketball Association (NBA), and the University of Oklahoma’s Fred Jones, Jr. Museum of Art.

Here’s the story, as it can now be reported:

I mean, that’s really the only question worth asking anymore.

I get the emails every day, they are asking to see me, for my signature, my money, my attention.

I figure the only way I would waste an hour of my life on them is if there was gonna be a really good orgasm involved. Why else would I waste my time with any of them anymore? God knows, I’m not speaking to them.

They have abandoned me on every principle, every promise, and now their leader is flat out raging at me in public. Trust me, it won’t be make up sex. I’ll get mine and be gone without a backward glance.

But I am good enough to change their political persuasion. Maybe I can remind them that “suck” should only refer to a thing of beauty, not the economy. Or that getting boned doesn’t mean at the unemployment office. Or that the only decent “control” is good muscle control. Or that talking dirty shouldn’t mean our water and air. Or that true power is more in giving than receiving.

Or not.

So, inbox full of pleas from limp-dicked faux-leftists, the only way you will get a minute of my time anymore is if there will be actual sex involved.

Because you have been fucking me so long, I figure its time I got at least something out of it…

So from now on, every email campaign I get? I will reply, “Will there be sex involved?”

Signed,

Your constituent.

  Republican leaders unveiled a new, multi-step plan that will remake the American economy and turn the country into a capitalism utopia virtually overnight.

 “All it takes for this plan to work is for everyone to believe hard enough,” explained Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann. “Otherwise it will be all the fault of the Democrats when it fails.”

   The Republican plan for fixing the problem of the long-term unemployed involves relocating them to Glittenwood, the magical land of jobs.

Miami, Florida, September 13, 2018 (FNS)-Facing pressure from voters to “do something” following the disaster caused by the privatization of Social Security, the White House today announced that the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) is awarding a $2 billion contract to the Halliburton Company for the purchase of 22,000 “cardboard condos” that will be installed in public parks around the Miami area in an effort to alleviate the problem of homelessness among the impoverished elderly.

“Having homeless senior citizens drag their appliance boxes all over the city reduces the community’s aesthetic appeal and leads to complaints”, said Halliburton spokesman Tendei Furlough. “The new modular design, combined with our ability to print attractive images on the outside of the boxes, guarantees both increased protection from winter weather and fewer complaints from affected neighborhoods.”

FEMA’s Director of Emergency Housing Resources Spike Fromula agreed: “We thought we had a real problem with homelessness in a number of our major cities after the Social Security safety net collapsed…but now, we think…well, we think we have a way to wrap the problem up in a neat little package.”

Dover, Delaware (FNS)-Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell shocked the crowd at a Delaware political breakfast meeting when she announced that she has changed her thinking about masturbation following a weekend bathtub “incident”.

Spike Fromula, O’Donnell’s press secretary, explained to the press gaggle today that O’Donnell now realizes that it is possible to “masturbate without lust in your heart” after Saturday night’s revelatory event, which Fromula described as a “slip and fall episode”.

“It wasn’t exactly ‘The Passion of the Showerhead’” said Fromula, in a reference to her former work as a marketing consultant to the Mel Gibson movie of a similar name, “but there is no doubt that her thinking on the issue has evolved”.

They better not build that mosque down by Ground Zero, we’re being told, not just because it’s insensitive, but because we have no idea what they’ll be up to down there.

I mean, where did the money come from?

Who does this Imam hang out with, anyway?

And, at a time when our Nation faces more threats than ever, why would we let these Muslim madmen situate their “terror command posts” anywhere?

Well, I don’t know about all of that…but I do know a place where lots of these Islamic terrorists go to obtain the equipment and supplies they need to support their particular craft, and I decided to make a bit of an undercover visit to the spot, so that I might “observe and report” on what goes on at this specific location.

So put on your dark glasses…and let’s go see what we can find out.

Dear diary,

  the first thing I noticed when I stepped out of my home today was the thick layer of smoke from burning American flags. The liberals never take a day off from expressing their hatred of America.

  As I walked to my Dodge pickup I was spotted by my neighbor. She was pointing and laughing at me. “Look kids,” she said to her fourteen, dirty-faced children, “there is someone dumb enough to work for a living rather than collect welfare and buy a new cadillac every year like us.” Then they all started pointing and laughing at me. Some of the kids began throwing dirt clods at me.

  I wanted to say something, but I was already running late for work.

WASHINGTON, DC, April 10, 1865 (FNS)-The Civil War ended yesterday with the surrender of General Lee’s Confederate Forces to Ulysses S. Grant, the Union Commander, at Appomattox.

Although most observers are generally happy with the surrender, many of President Obama’s most loyal supporters are livid with the Commander-in-Chief because of the concessions he made in order to obtain the future support of the Southern Senators who will rejoin the body when the next Session begins.

At a media event this morning, Press Secretary Dick Timoneous expressed the President’s hope that the formerly Confederate Members of Congress are looking forward to changing the political culture and steering the Nation in a better direction:

“It’s time for the opposition to realize that what really matters is putting America first. The President is certain that by offering some concessions now, Southern Senators will look beyond their own parochial interests and do their part to move this process forward.”

Brighton, Colorado (FNS)-Attorneys from the Republican Study Group (RSG) descended upon the 17th Judicial District courtroom of Judge John T Bryan today to present an amicus brief and associated oral arguments in order to prevent a settlement in a lawsuit related to an automobile accident in this Colorado city.

The intervening attorneys claim the settlement reached between the two parties to the accident is a “shakedown” because the plaintiff had not yet exhausted all possible legal remedies when the agreement was finalized, and because the agreement was executed in the presence of the plaintiff’s brother, a well-known local attorney.

They hope Judge Bryan will decline to approve the settlement in today’s hearing, and that he will order the parties to move forward to trial.

“What we have is government transferring property from one party, an admittedly unattractive one, to others, not based on preexisting laws but on decisions by one man, a car czar”, said Crush Mimbaugh, attorney for the RSG, “and we are here today to protect all Americans from this legally sanctioned rape of an innocent driver.”

Honestly, I am absolutely sick of commercial air travel these days. Just dealing with security is bad enough, but then there’s the airlines, and…hey, all you really need to know here is that there has to be a pretty good reason for me to fly cross-country.

Well, I had one Saturday night, which is how I came to be in the Colonnade Room of the Fairmount Hotel, Washington DC with about 250 of my closest friends, in a classic shawl-collar tuxedo, attending one of the most exclusive “passing of the torch” ceremonies in recent Washington memory.

And when it was all over, Douglas Feith was a happy man.