Tag: Satire

On Homeland Security, Or, We Visit A Terrorist Gathering Place

They better not build that mosque down by Ground Zero, we’re being told, not just because it’s insensitive, but because we have no idea what they’ll be up to down there.

I mean, where did the money come from?

Who does this Imam hang out with, anyway?

And, at a time when our Nation faces more threats than ever, why would we let these Muslim madmen situate their “terror command posts” anywhere?

Well, I don’t know about all of that…but I do know a place where lots of these Islamic terrorists go to obtain the equipment and supplies they need to support their particular craft, and I decided to make a bit of an undercover visit to the spot, so that I might “observe and report” on what goes on at this specific location.

So put on your dark glasses…and let’s go see what we can find out.

ICE Checkpoint @ Netroots Nation…

Cross-posted from Sum of Change

So folks in Las Vegas for the 2010 Netroots Nation conference got a surprise when they showed up for the session on Civil Rights in the Modern Era to find a checkpoint of “ICE agents” looking for illegal European immigrants:

Lee Surrenders To Grant, Obama Retains Slavery

WASHINGTON, DC, April 10, 1865 (FNS)-The Civil War ended yesterday with the surrender of General Lee’s Confederate Forces to Ulysses S. Grant, the Union Commander, at Appomattox.

Although most observers are generally happy with the surrender, many of President Obama’s most loyal supporters are livid with the Commander-in-Chief because of the concessions he made in order to obtain the future support of the Southern Senators who will rejoin the body when the next Session begins.

At a media event this morning, Press Secretary Dick Timoneous expressed the President’s hope that the formerly Confederate Members of Congress are looking forward to changing the political culture and steering the Nation in a better direction:

“It’s time for the opposition to realize that what really matters is putting America first. The President is certain that by offering some concessions now, Southern Senators will look beyond their own parochial interests and do their part to move this process forward.”

Popular Culture (Movies) 20100721: The Night of the Living Dead

OK, I admit that I got you to read this because of its title, but it is not too far from the plot of the old, classic horror flick.  In a nutshell, everyone turns against each other, except for the Living Dead that were united because they had no brain tissue of their own.

The classic line of the film was uttered by the Sheriff, who said, after being asked a question about the motives of the Living Dead, deadpan,, “They’re all messed up.  They’re dead.”

Thus is the performance of the entire cast of the unfortunate episode about the Shirley Sherrod episode, with everyone being brain dead except for her (who acted with dignity), the vile Breitbart, and the FOX “News” Channel.  Please read more.  This is more opinion than fact, but the film puts it in a sort of bizarre perspective.

Thursday Night Humor 20100708: Warning Labels

Many of you who read my posts know that I monitor the Fox “News” Channel from time to time so that you do not have to do so.  It is a high risk avocation, because insanity by osmosis is, in my scientific opinion, possible.

Today the repulsive John Stossel, the Fox “News” Channel “contributor” went on a tirade about warning labels on consumer products.  His thesis was that they are there only because of “trial lawyers” who fatten their pockets on the backs of big business.  By the way, the Fox “News” Channel regularly carries adverts by trial lawyers, mostly for mesothelioma, adverse drug effects, and firms that advertise about getting out of legitimate federal income tax cases.

Republicans Intervene In Traffic Accident, Call Settlement “Shakedown”

Brighton, Colorado (FNS)-Attorneys from the Republican Study Group (RSG) descended upon the 17th Judicial District courtroom of Judge John T Bryan today to present an amicus brief and associated oral arguments in order to prevent a settlement in a lawsuit related to an automobile accident in this Colorado city.

The intervening attorneys claim the settlement reached between the two parties to the accident is a “shakedown” because the plaintiff had not yet exhausted all possible legal remedies when the agreement was finalized, and because the agreement was executed in the presence of the plaintiff’s brother, a well-known local attorney.

They hope Judge Bryan will decline to approve the settlement in today’s hearing, and that he will order the parties to move forward to trial.

“What we have is government transferring property from one party, an admittedly unattractive one, to others, not based on preexisting laws but on decisions by one man, a car czar”, said Crush Mimbaugh, attorney for the RSG, “and we are here today to protect all Americans from this legally sanctioned rape of an innocent driver.”

At Black Tie Ceremony, Feith Passes Torch To Barton

Honestly, I am absolutely sick of commercial air travel these days. Just dealing with security is bad enough, but then there’s the airlines, and…hey, all you really need to know here is that there has to be a pretty good reason for me to fly cross-country.

Well, I had one Saturday night, which is how I came to be in the Colonnade Room of the Fairmount Hotel, Washington DC with about 250 of my closest friends, in a classic shawl-collar tuxedo, attending one of the most exclusive “passing of the torch” ceremonies in recent Washington memory.

And when it was all over, Douglas Feith was a happy man.

Q and A from the Geek’s Mailbox 20100514

As you know, I get questions from time to time about things.  I keep the best ones until I have enough to post them.  Some of them are serious, some are funny, and some do not quite make sense.

This is a followup to the hugely successful (for me, making the rec list) post from a couple of weeks ago.  You have Keith Olbermann to thank or to curse for stimulating me to write in the Thurber tradition.

By the way, Docudharma.com gets the scoop on this one.  I will not post it to the big orange until tomorrow because of the severe time restrictions on comments, and you all know that the comments are the best part of my posts.

BP Has Solved Our Oil Problem 20100607

BP has reported today yesterday (-Sunday- Monday) that they collected 6100 10,000 barrels of oil in the past 24 hours.  This is stupendous!  (Note:  the volume changes.  It was over 10,000 in 24 hours now, but that just reinforces my point).

If this is correct, and it seems to be, if they can tune their collection device a bit more, they can collect more, perhaps much more.  You do not understand the ramifications of this development.  If correct, BP will go down in history as the most important cog in the wheel of energy independence ever for the United States.  Please allow me to elaborate.

Operation Terraform, The Secret Obama Administration Plan For Arizona, Is Revealed

Washington (FNS)-An exclusive investigation by FNS reporting staff has identified and confirmed, through a second source, the Obama Administration’s secret plans for resolving issues with certain residents of Arizona that has been in the news over the past week, known as “Operation Terraform”.

The plan depends upon American authorities cooperating with the Canadian, Mexican, and North American Governments, and the plan will require one of the largest transport efforts since D-Day.

Until today, no one outside the involved agencies had been aware of the existence of the plan, much less its details, and as of today, no official will admit, on the record, that the plan is already in effect.

To Attract Tourists, Louisiana Governor Announces Free Oil Giveaway

Baton Rouge (FNS)-Facing both a massive oil slick from a sunken offshore drilling platform and a second year of declining tourism revenues along the Louisiana Gulf Coast caused by high gas prices, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal today introduced a new tourism promotion that he reports is going to “…make lemons into lemonade”.

Jindal, flanked by British Petroleum’s Director of Marketing Dick Timoneous and the Executive Director of the Louisiana State Tourism Board, Jenna Talia, announced that the “All The Oil You Can Carry Festival” would officially commence today just east of New Orleans, and last at least through the month of May.

Wife of Famous Politician To Be Banned From Large Blog For Promoting CT

Berkeley, CA

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

(DDT) The moderator of the world’s best known blog for policing impure political thoughts, [redacted], today finally banned the wife of the world’s most famous retired politician for promoting and distributing an unproven Conspiracy Theory.  

In a move sure to create controversy in [redacted] and other sites around the blogosphere, an anonymous, off the record spokesperson for [redacted] confirmed that



The FAQ says no conspiracy theories, no exceptions.
Certainly this poster was aware of the rule, he or she chose to ignore it, and we decided to ban this person immediately. Any other remaining posters using this website, caught uprating other users who uprated the banned user, will be warned once and their posting ability suspended for the next 2,666 years until a bipartisan tribunal can be assembled to judge the purity of their thoughts and the intent of their actions.

Anyone caught discussing  this particular conspiracy theory in any diary, comment, or cat picture with caption, on this website, or any other website we had a FPer, administrator, or grandma click on deliberately or accidentally in the past 48 hours, or the next century, will also be warned once and then banned.  

Extraordinary claims, such as being made by this poster,  require extraordinary evidence.

We have reviewed the evidence, and have found no proof that anything untoward or unusual was consumed by the poster in question, or her husband.  

Further scrutiny reveals that the source of the rumors were obviously not Americans, and therefore never to be trusted.  You can’t trust those pesky Irish musicians. Never.  Everybody knows the Irish are a bunch of overimbibing, socialist Celtic Pagans, or maybe Druids, who knows, they all look alike, they who hate this country, and plot its downfall or at least plan to inflict their wretched European commie ginger haired marxist worker’s rights universal healthcare on us, which would destroy the delicate, negotiated detente we’ve negotiated with Kent Conrad and his very special donors.  Anyone caught posting youtubes of any music of the above, or posting recipes containing potato or cabbage ingredients, will also be banned.    

We here at [redacted] take election integrity very seriously.   We’ve banned thousands of people for far more, and we’ll ban as many people as possible for far less, for even having these impure thoughts.  

You have all been warned. Henceforth, by the Power Invested in Me, as Commander in Chief of the [redacted], this topic will not be discussed anymore on this website. Forever. Until the end of time.  

We have an election to win.  Look forwards, not back.

Example of Irish people being subversive and undermining the American pragmatic progressive agenda. Note upraised arms and dancing in audience, outside the white castle walls, clear indications of wanting a unicorn.

This is Amerika, Damnit !  We don’t DO unicorns!  We do Hope Nobody Notices!



The heart is a bloom

Shoots up through the stony ground

There’s no room

No space to rent in this town

You’re out of luck

And the reason that you had to care

The traffic is stuck

And you’re not moving anywhere

You thought you’d found a friend

To take you out of this place

Someone you could lend a hand

In return for grace

It’s a beautiful day

Sky falls, you feel like

It’s a beautiful day

Don’t let it get away

You’re on the road

But you’ve got no destination

You’re in the mud

In the maze of her imagination

You love this town

Even if that doesn’t ring true

You’ve been all over

And it’s been all over you

It’s a beautiful day

Don’t let it get away

It’s a beautiful day

Touch me

Take me to that other place

Teach me

I know I’m not a hopeless case



See the world in green and blue

See China right in front of you

See the canyons broken by cloud

See the tuna fleets clearing the sea out

See the Bedouin fires at night

See the oil fields at first light

And see the bird with a leaf in her mouth

After the flood all the colors came out

It was a beautiful day

Don’t let it get away

Beautiful day

Touch me

Take me to that other place

Reach me

I know I’m not a hopeless case

What you don’t have you don’t need it now

What you don’t know you can feel it somehow

What you don’t have you don’t need it now

Don’t need it now

Was a beautiful day




http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyri…

B*stards.  Never could trust ’em in the first place.  They ought to be wiretapped or something.

 

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