Tag: Satire

Very exciting times here at the the bustling blog offices!

Last night, yours-truly opened the front door to find a phalanx of high-powered corporate executives in even HIGHER powered suits standing expectantly on my stoop.

Well, these executives wined and dined and seventy-two’d me (that’s three better then sixty-nine) and as the caviar and truffles settled in my befattened tummy… I made the morally difficult decision to accept corporate sponsorship for my ongoing efforts.

Now, I understand how you might worry that the influence of multinational conglomerates (specifically the bags of cash, the bright red porsche, and the women of extremely low morals) might change the very nature of this blog, but let me tell you… NAY, PROMISE… as sure as the delicious Whopper™ I’m eating has a third less fat than the Big Mac… I CANNOT be corrupted!

…when I failed to mention that, along with you, I was also dating five other women, three of them pregnant via me, two close relatives (your sister is SO much hotter than I first thought), and my wife of eighteen years. See, though nothing I said was accurate, I was simply employing enhanced truth-telling techniques, which, apparently, President George Bush approved from the oval office!

first my apologies if things are spellled wrong or if there are tipos, but i’m on the floor in the hall closet, an umbrella handle digging into my back, a string of garlic around my neck, typing as faast as i can, because… i’ve discovered something tonight… something horrrible and unthinkable… and i’m afraid if i go public with it… they’ll hunt me down and kill me.

my friends… WE ARE NOT ALONE.

Last night, John W. McCain wrapped up the Republic nomination for President by winning enough delegates in Texas, Ohio, Vermont and Rhode Island to put him over the necessary number (1,191) needed to for the 2008 Presidential election.  

Today, at the White House, Presnit George W. Bush endorsed John W. McCain.

From CNN:

President Bush endorsed Sen. John McCain for president on Wednesday, saying the presumptive Republican nominee has the “character, courage and perseverance” to lead the country.

McCain thanked the president for his support and the work he has done in the Oval Office.

“I appreciate his endorsement, and I appreciate his service to our country,” said McCain, adding that he wanted Bush at his side as much as possible on the campaign trail.

“Whatever he wants me to do, I want him to win,” Bush said, who was challenged by McCain for the GOP nomination in 2000. But he said the 2008 run for the Oval Office was not his battle.

“It’s not about me. I’ve done my bit,” Bush said.

Addressing the calls for change in the presidential campaign, Bush said McCain would be steadfast to one of his administration’s policies.

“He’s not gonna change when it comes to taking on the enemy,” Bush said of the senator from Arizona.

Protecting the American people was the No. 1 job of a president and McCain understood that, Bush said.

“He’s gonna be a president who will bring determination to defeat an enemy,” Bush said.

The News Corpse Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is proud to present its Oscar nominees for 2008.

Crossposted at Daily Kos

Just as trouble was brewing in Fort Sumter, South Carolina — and consistent with her style to explain complicated issues to the nation and soothe inflamed passions — President Hillary Clinton made an important announcement from her weekend retreat just across the Patawmack River in the beautiful Ballston section of Arlington County in the State of Virginia.  

According to the Disassociated Press

Washington, DC, March 4, 1861 — After careful deliberations, President Hillary Clinton has concluded that the designation of United States as presently comprised of Northern states, Southern states, and Territories is not what the founding founders of the country intended.

She will address the United States Congress tonight at 9:00pm to give her reasoned, well thought-out, and intellectually coherent speech.

Several surprises are expected.  Her supporters are calling it the ‘A-House-Divided-Against-Itself-Can-Stand Speech.’

The Disunited States of America in 1861

1. Wear tight fitting jeans and a free Jacket from Marlboro Country.

2. Stand in middle of parking lot and take pictures of the mountains.

3. Get pissy with the Ticket Agent for not honoring your photocopied coupon.

4. Walk into Rental Shop and say every pair of boots hurts your feet.

5. Drag rental skis and poles across parking lot.

6. Lessons are for wimps…head immediately for the double black diamond slopes.

7. Leave all the buckles on your boots nice and loose.

8. Bend over at the hip, stick your poles through your arm pits, lean back and ask for a push from another skier.

9. If you see a tree or boulder aim for it, gravity is tricky, anything you aim for you’ll probably miss.

10. Big Air, you’ll probably catch some big air on the way down so now is a good time to try all of those tricks you’ve seen on the X Games.

11. Ignore all Ski Patrol signs, they are just the man tryin’ to keep you down.

12. Lift Line Etiquette – most people who have been standing in line for 20 minutes just love having you and your friends cut ahead of them by scooting under the rope.

13. Never look up the hill when traversing across a slope, it’s more fun to live dangerously.

14. Lodge Etiquette – take over two or three tables by covering them with crumpled napkins and spraying ketchup (preferably Heinz) all over.

15. At the end of the day it is considered good form to cry and throw your skis at the rental person.

16. On your way home be sure to stop at the local gas station and brag about the things you did.

rinnnggg….ringggg…[machine answers]…[beep]

“Hi Judy this is Bridget from Curves!  I just wanted to let you know that your membership expired and I know you were on a really excellent program and were doing very well so I….”

[answer in male voice]

“Hi Bridget this is Judy!  Sign me up for a lifetime membership cuz I’m so out of shape I think it would take a whole team of Bridgets to fix me up!  Ha ha ha ha ha.  You have my information already just go ahead and charge it.  Now is there anything you can do about this hair on my lip?  And Bridget, we’ve known each other a long time, why you even call me at home to discuss the gym now right?!  So let me ask you…do you think I’m attractive?”

[click]