Feb 03 2010
America, you need to get scared RIGHT NOW!
As if socialism, Death Panels, and a potty-mouthed Chief-of-Staff weren’t enough to get ya cowerin’ under your ol’ beds there, we got ourselves a frightenin’ new problem:
Iran announced Wednesday it has successfully launched a 10-foot-long research rocket carrying a mouse, two turtles and worms into space – a feat President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said showed Iran could defeat the West in the battle of technology.
Jan 30 2010
Whew!
I know this will be hard for ya to believe, but those liberal eggheads at CBS came to their senses yesterday and rejected an ad from ManCrunch.com to appear during the Super Bowl. What a relief for America! Can you imagine exposin’ the fresh-faced youngsters of America to disgusting garbage as to which is demonstrated in the following manner?
(Note: the following video should not be viewed by anyone under any circumstances. It’s got somethin’ icky that is expressly forbidden in the Book of Leviticus.)
Dec 04 2009
Hey, don’t everyone thank me at once!
As my gift to this country that I love so much, I personally fixed that whole unemployment problem there by lowerin’ the unemployment rate from 10.2% to 10.0% last month. It was obvious that rampant socialism wasn’t gettin’ the job done, and that someone had to goose the free markets to get things rollin’ again. And I am that goose.
How, you may ask, did I save the country? With my book, of course! The publishing company had to hire millions (-ish) of new workers to print additional copies, plus all those pilots, stewardesses, and associated airport employees needed for my bus tour, and also all those additional mall employess for the crush of humanity linin’ up to get there books signed. The waves of free market activity are like a giant tiramisu rollin’ across the ocean!
Nov 10 2009
 |
(I’m so very pleased and also proud to continue bringin’ ya some excerpts from my soon-to-be released book there. In addition to publishing these excerpts, I’ve been helpin’ Todd build a trophy case for my inevitable Nobel Prize for literature. Hey, if Obama won it for peace I can win it for literature, right? Also we’re makin’ the trophy case extra big in case a Pulitzer or Peabody should come my way.
If you haven’t read Excerpts from Chapter One, go and read it this instant! If ya haven’t read Chapter One first, Chapter Two will just seem like a bunch of nonsensical gibberish. I mean, gosh, ya wouldn’t start watchin’ a hockey game in the second period, would ya? Then again, based on the ratings nobody is watchin’ the first or third periods of hockey games either…(sigh)…remind me to make hockey game viewership mandatory when I get to be President. So let’s get the ball rollin’ with Chapter Two, a behind-the-scenes look at my meteoric rise in Alaska politics, takin’ on the ol’ establishment there like a pit bull wearin’ lipstick . . .) |
Oct 28 2009
|
(I’m so very pleased and also proud to be excerptin’ some thoughts from my runaway best-sellin’ book to be released next month. I decided to release it before Thanksgiving so there wouldn’t be any repeat of last year’s turkey-pardoning incident that would have to be added to my book.
And so I wish to premiere my book writin’ skills right here on the ol’ blogosphere at Docudharma. You may wonder why I chose this awful blog full of liberal hippie socialist tree-huggers for a sneak peek at my new book. It’s simple. Who needs salvation more than Docudharma? Sure, I could publish it at RedState where it would be received like starbursts, but that’s like shootin’ moose in a barrel. My book begins with Chapter 1, a behind-the-scenes look at my childhood and early adult years, in which a strictly non-socialist upbringing began to form the sharp political mind you now see from my Twittering. This was a time of innocence, when the evils of Obama’s death panels were but a distant glint of the ol’ future there . . .) |
May 20 2009
Glorious news from our nation’s capital (and/or Capitol) today!
Buried deep inside a boring bill about reformin’ credit card practices was a provision that stirred my patriotic loins in a way that’s been sorely missed since President Bush left office. Senator Tom Coburn (R-OK), seein’ a major flaw in this credit card legislation, fixed it right up there by insertin’ an amendment to allow loaded guns in national parks. Check and mate, you greedy credit card companies!
These days the Democrat party usually strips all of the patriotism right out of bills like this and replaces it with socialism. But not this time! Coburn’s amendment passed with the support of 27 Democrats in the Senate, includin’ the majority leader Harry Reid. That makes TWO patriotic things Reid did in ONE day, along with his come-to-Jesus moment on not closin’ Guantanamo. Wow! Maybe there’s hope for this guy after all. Or, maybe not, accordin’ to Nevada’s likely voters.
Apr 16 2009
I love the smell of People Power in the morning! The overwhelmin’ tide of grassroots anger came to a climax yesterday with the Teabaggin’ protests all over this great country of ours. Millions and millions of patriots were out there makin’ their voices heard and scarin’ the socialists silly with their message of “Stop Governing!” and by the way “Stop the Gays From Gettin’ Married!” And don’t think this is just talk — we’re forcin’ action to be taken at the very highest levels of the liberal governing elite.
For example, you may remember the total sham from a few weeks ago when Docudharma took away my trusted user status under the laughable excuse of performin’ “software enhancements.” Well, I am happy to report that the Teabaggin’ protests have so frightened our liberal Docudharma overlords that they have restored my trusted user status! We DO have the power to stand up to oppression!
And there is an even bigger victory as a result of the Teabaggin’ protests. Ron Paul is takin’ advantage of this populist anger and wants to heavily arm it. Paul’s idea is to hire ordinary citizens and send ’em into international waters to fight pirates:
Apr 10 2009
I’m pretty gosh-darned frightened, America. Frightened of what’s happenin’ to this great country of ours when a beloved fly-over state like Iowa turns its activist judges loose to pee on the holy institution of marriage. Are patriotic Americans expected to stand idly by while gay people try to sign the same piece of paper in a church? In a state with the first presidential caucus no less? It’s time to draw a line in the sand! Or dirt, in Iowa’s case.
Mar 27 2009
I’ve been worryin’ a lot lately about America losin’ it’s traditional values under our socialist President. Socialism, for those of you who talk about it all the time even though you don’t understand what it means, is the process of ruining the economy by removin’ the traditional role of religion from it. Obama is tryin’ a whole bunch of voodoo economic policies, and we all know how God feels about voodoo (it barely ranks above bein’ a Muslim). We’re gettin’ bombarded with lots of talk on how to fix the economy but we seem to be ignorin’ the One Voice we should be listenin’ to.
Feb 20 2009
Those nice folks there in Texas need help, America! And I don’t mean from that awful “porkulus” bill that Mr. Socialism thinks will start stimulatin’ our economy. Texas has a different pork problem, in that a plague of wild hogs are roamin’ over the land, tearin’ up the crops there and just makin’ a general nuisance of themselves. Help IS on the way though, because I’m hearin’ that Texas may allow hog-huntin’ from helicopters! Ooooohhhhh . . . I just felt a tingle go up my leg . . .
 |
 |
Naturally the liberals are already whinin’ about it, like somebody just told ’em they have to go to church or something. There is NOTHING to worry about, because the bill’s Republican sponsor, Sid Miller, assures us that:
“You’re not going to have some bubba up there going, ‘Pass me a beer and ammo’ and hunting some hogs,” the legislator said. “We certainly want to do it right.”
Jan 23 2009
Brrrrrr!!!! It sure has been cold out lately, doncha think? Even Florida is havin’ trouble keepin’ their crops from freezin’ and lots of record low temperatures were observed there in the Midwest last week. What the heck ever happened to that Global Warming that Al Gore promised us? I was lookin’ forward to it! Nobody gets to see my best political assets if I’m all bundled up in a parka.
I ain’t the only one who thinks it’s cold out. A local businessman here in Fairbanks, Craig Compeau, is teachin’ Al Gore a lesson in meteorology. Compeau and local artist Steve Dean unveiled an ice sculpture of Al, over 8 feet tall, shiverin’ and lookin’ like a fool from bein’ so cold. Al is gonna have a lot of explainin’ to do when he testifies about climate change in the Senate next week. Gosh darn it, if only Uncle Ted was still in the Senate! He could grill Al about how the heck this giant sculpture can exist if the earth is really warmin’ up.
Jan 13 2009
I am so very proud to be markin’ the 50th anniversary of Alaska becomin’ part of these great United States! Alaska became the 49th state in 1959. I must apologize though, because technically I’m wishin’ Alaska a belated happy birthday since statehood became official on Jan 3rd, 1959. Wouldn’t you know it, I needed a few extra weeks there to realize that 2009 – 1959 = 50! But what the heck, we’ll be celebratin’ all year with things like commemorative license plates and commemorative stamps. As you can see it’s a very pretty stamp, but unfortunately can only be used to ship extremely large packages:
